I am thankful

This week I am thankful for the people around me. 

I am thankful for my godson who was cool with me doing his birthday thing with him a week early because we were going to be in court on his actual birthday.

For my cousin who went shopping with me to get my mind off everything for just a few hours.

For the friend who is also a stepmom and who knows exactly what I was going through who helped me feel normal and let me vent my feelings without me having to try and explain why I felt that way.

For all the people who kept our spirits up telling us that we were doing the right thing and that i twill all work out.

For the guy at the court who smiled at me every time he walked past me sitting alone on my bench, he knew that it was my BF in there and would tell me not to worry he was doing fine.

For the judge, who stayed until 6pm to make sure he heard all of the case and that nothing was rushed, I know he was fair.

For my coworkers and boss who were very understanding with my absences and my general stressed out sate of mind.

For my BF, who helped me stay strong by being strong himself.

I am thankful for everyone around me who knows that waiting for the verdict is much more hellish on us than on them and not pestering me every day to know if the verdict is in.  They actually believe me that when I have news, they will.

I am even thankful for his ex, for leaving me the hell alone and not speaking to me this week, thereby allowing me to mostly pretend she doesn’t exist.

This week I am thankful to be so blessed as to have all of these people in my life.

Inspired by Mama Kat's writer's workshop Something you’re thankful for this week.

2013, the year of Acceptance

I’m still alive; I just took a time out to reflect.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m in a bit of a weird place right now, everything is kind of up in the air.  I decided to take an online hiatus for the holidays and focus on taking a real good look at my real world life and the people in it.  It was also an extremely busy and hectic holiday season this year.  My BF and my birthdays are both within a week of Christmas, plus we had the kids for a week, add in 4 Christmas activities, and some serious babymomma drama, and frankly I was looking forward to going back to work to relax a bit.

I also wanted to really reflect before making my resolutions though I prefer to think of them as focus areas or themes for the year rather than resolutions. I call them resolutions for lack of a better word.  My first resolution last year was fitness, which I did, but sort of and half assed.  The reason being that it wasn’t really important to me, it was more of a « something I SHOULD do ».  The other was to focus on gratitude, and I think I did pretty well on that one.  I consciously and purposely focused on the good stuff in my life, and actively expressed appreciation for the people in my life.  While I am by no means a happy go lucky optimist, it is one resolution I recommend to anyone, not only because it really helps with the harder times, but because after doing it for a year, it really does become habit.

This year though, I have finally reached my tipping point with regards to weight/fitness.  I never really had much motivation to getting fit because I was buying clothes in regular stores (no plus size) and while I wasn’t in love with my body, I wasn’t unhappy with it either.  I eat pretty well, not much junk food, I’m vegetarian, and I’m never sick.  It was always something I knew I should do, but it just didn’t bother me enough.  In the past little while, there were 4 things I saw that made me very unhappy.  The first was when I was walking next to a series of windows and I saw that my butt started doing that thing where it seems to be trying to climb up your back.  The next was the muffin top that seemed to appear overnight.  Then I tried to buy a pair of dress pants at the store I have always bought my dress pants at, and could not find a single pair that fit my thighs.  Then, just a few days ago I was trying on clothes in a mirror, and I saw that there were fat saggy bits drooping around my knees. 

This time I’m going to skip over the drastic approaches, protein shakes, gym memberships and grandiose plans.  I have found two programs which focus on portion sizes, good foods, and easily accessible exercise, one online and one on my cell phone.  What I like about these is that neither is rigorous calorie counting, or drastic food exclusion.  They both focus on improvement THEN results.  No trying to be perfect for this gal, and no eating food I don’t like either.

I have also resolved to accept the fact that my BF’s ex, the kids’ mom, is not going to change, no matter her proclamations that she is willing to work on our family relationship.  What she really means when she says she wants to work with us is that she wants to help us do what she wants.  I am going to focus on letting go of the ideal I had in my head of what we could be (ie: an inclusive parenting team whose focus s on the kids and were able to get along and make compromises on both sides) and accept that she has issues she needs to work on, and like all personal issues, the desire to change has to come from her, there is nothing I can do.  While this is easier said than done, I want to focus on our family (BF, me, and kids) and try to make that family unit as positive and productive as possible, regardless of what is going on elsewhere.

That’s it, only two resolutions this year, but if nothing else, I strive for simplicity.  2012 was the year of gratitude, 2013 will be the year of acceptance…for the things not within my power to change of course, everything else is fair game for improvement ;)

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts 01.01 - Resolutions. Love’em? Hate’em? Tell us why. Make one?  Talk about your resolutions or goals for 2013.

Gifts and expectations

One of the best, albeit harshest rules I learned at a young age was that life’s not fair, and you can’t have everything you want.

My mom was young, uneducated, and single with no help, frankly  I’m pretty amazed that she succeeded in keeping us in basic necessities.  There was no money for things like video games, or even a VCR.  There are a lot of things that people around me take for granted that I never had, a washer and dryer in the house, a dishwasher, or an air conditioner.  My mom didn’t have a car, we took the bus.  There was only one thing that she always found money for, and that was books.  If I wanted a book, she found a way to get it for me.

To this day I still marvel at how convenient it is for me to just throw in a load of laundry whenever I fell like it.  No more having to plan out an afternoon at the Laundromat.  I still don’t have a dishwasher, or air conditioning, or cable.  My definition of necessary is very different from other people.

I remember one Christmas I got a TV, it wasn’t big, 15’’ I think, but I remember how happy I was to have my very own TV for my room.  Now I think about how much my mom must have scrimped and saved to buy it.

This may be the reason that I have so much trouble dealing with other people’s expectations of Christmas.  This year the BF and I have dealt with some pretty harsh backlash because we have said no to overspend on gifts, and stuck to our guns.  I think we’ve gotten to the other side of the gauntlet, but it has been a pretty rough ride the past couple of months dealing with everyone’s projected expectations.

The fact is this has been a very expensive year for us, what with the move, and getting the kids set up etc.  And we just don’t have the money to be spending hundreds of dollars per kid. 

The ex told us that she had decided to buy the boys Nintendo 3DS each and she wanted us to go in on it with her.  Of course she had not asked our opinion.  We said no, absolutely not.  My BF had bought the boys a Nintendo DS each for the birthdays last year, and sent them to her house with them, despite our usual rule about not sending things over there.  Within a few months, they had lost one and broken the other.  We saw no reason that we should help pay for new ones when we had already bought two.  We told her that we were keeping Christmas simple this year, no big gifts.  She kept bugging us until November.  We didn’t contribute, and she bought them anyways because that was what they wanted.  No thought about what they needed, or the consumerist message that there are no consequences for not taking care of things, just buy new ones.

Then in October, it was the eldest birthday.  He told us that he wanted the Skylander starter game.  We had already bought him a small gift, but we looked online to see how much the game was.  When we saw that it was 75$ for the starter pack, but then there were about 50 other characters to buy at 10$-20$ each, I said no way.  Especially for a video game.  My BF hesitated, wanting to make the kids happy, but quickly came to the same conclusion as me.  We had been working on limiting screen time for months, and this would not help.  We told him that no, we would not be buy the game, and we told him why, it was too expensive.  He wheeldled and cajolled and tried everything in his eight year old’s toolbox to convince us, and finally understood that it was no.

In the end my father in law bought it for him, and you know what, he appreciated it immensly.  He started to understand the concept that things cost money, and that things are not a right, or essential, they are just things.

The kids aren’t unhappy at our house without cable, or air conditioning.  Kids adapt to what you teach them to expect out of life, and while I wholeheartedly agree in teaching them to aspire to greatness and reach for the stars, I also plan to teach them that aspiration is not expectation.  That while you should strive for more, take time to apreciate what you have.

The giving of thanks

Here in Canada, thanksgiving is in October, but hey, my mom’s side is American, so I figure, why not, one can never be too thankful right.

My new year’s resolution was to try and be more grateful for what I have, and though I am far from perfect in this regard, I think I have much improved and I almost hate to say it, but all those people who claimed you can become happier by actively being grateful, they were right.

So here is my list of things I am grateful for

·         My BF, who really is the best possible partner/teammate I could have.  He may not be perfect, but neither am I, and together we usually bring out the best in each other.

·         My friends, though we have many miles between us, they are still just a text or phone call away when I need them or they need me.  Long distance friendships are more difficult to maintain, but for these gals, it’s totally worth it.

·         My step kids, who accepted me into their lives almost immediately and have given me a new purpose in my life,.

·         My Dad’s family, because I have never regretted moving back here to be closer to them.  They are an incredible support system.

·         My sister’s family, because they too have always made me feel a part of their family, especially my sister’s mom, who even though she could have easily been jealous, or even just ignored me, has said that she loves me every time I have seen her since I was 6 and always believed in me.

·         I am thankful that my mom has finally gotten her life mostly together and that we can be a healthy and positive part of each other’s lives.

·         My BF’s family, who have become another family for me.  They have all embraced me and my role in my BF and step kids’ lives.

·         My step kids’ mom, who even though she drives me absolutely crazy as a person, I have to recognize that I wouldn’t have my wonderful step kids without her.

I didn’t really have a plan when I started this post, but I do find it interesting that all of the things I’m thankful for aren’t things, but people.  It just goes to show that money and things are very low on the list of important things in my life now.  I wouldn’t want to give up money and things mind you, but I am glad to see that my focus has shifted to what’s really important.

I just love it when you unexpectedly learn something good about yourself J

Feb 1st goals update

Goal #1 – Gratitude

Hmmm, not doing so well on this one, I will have to focus a bit more.

Goal #2 – Money

I’ve been reading (and doing the exercises) in Shoo Jimmy Choo, so far so good J (9730$ as of February 1^st)

Goal #3 – Weight

I started doing a 1 hour Zumba class on Wednesdays; so far I love it.  I also started a vegetable based protein diet.  After 1 week, 1.5lbs gone.

I have also been on/off sick the past couple of weeks, every time I feel 100% the BFs kids re-infect me, but it’s worth it.  Last weekend we had an extra day together to celebrate my cousin’s daughter’s 3^rd birthday.  Loads of fun was had J

Bitterness that I just don't understand

I just read this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2088534/Why-Ill-NEVER-let-exs-new-girlfriend-meet-son.html

I read it this morning and it took most of my strength to resist commenting and harsh words.

She says in the article that “I am adamant that whatever the future holds, my son will not be raised with step-parents, step-siblings and a host of other people who have been brought into his life as the result of a flight of fancy. If my ex chooses to marry or have more children, I will still insist that any time he wants with his first-born is carried out as it is now — on a one-to-one basis.”

She is the exact type of woman that caused me to completely avoid men who had children until this year. 

When I started dating my BF, we took things very slow, we started dating at the beginning of February and his children (and ex) had no idea I existed until Easter.  The reason was that we wanted to make sure it was becoming something real before involving the kids in any way.

When I did start bonding with the kids, it caused a lot of friction with the ex, and my cousin (who is a mother of 3) kept me grounded and patient by constantly reminding me of the mother’s point of view.  She would remind me that it couldn’t be easy for the mother to accept another woman caring for and getting affection from her children.

My BF and I were very very careful about the kids’ feelings.  I did activities and spent time with them when he had them on weekends.  He would take the kids to his mom’s so that they could keep a good level of stability in their lives, I never spent the night.  We made sure to tone down the PDAs, our entire focus when the kids were around was them and their comfort.

A few months ago, we started having the kids over one night at our place, and one at his mom’s, gradually increasing my presence, all the while making sure they have time alone with their dad.  In the past year, we have not advanced a single step unless the kids had either asked (they wanted to stay over at my apartment) or we felt it was necessary (I would spend the night at his mom’s fi they needed reassurance).

It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of patience, but it was worth it.

While we are in no way buddies, after almost a year we are at least solidly on the same team.  I have proven to her that I am not a flight of fancy, that I truly love her children and that in no way do I want to replace her.  The kids tell me they love me, but they never have, and never will, call me mom.  I completely agree that they have one mom and one dad, no matter how many more people get added into the mix.

All of that being said, if the kids’ mom had not stopped being hostile and jealous (much like the woman in the article) my relationship would probably never have worked.  Dealing with a woman like that on a regular basis is very draining.  Having someone constantly trying to cause problems in your relationship that you can in no way EVER get rid of is a future that no woman would agree to, especially when you know that she could at any time make your partner choose between you or his kids, and if he is the right kind of guy, you will lose.

The worst part in all of this, is that she is damaging her own son the most.  He will always be at the outside of his dad’s new life.

One of my step kids mentioned the other day that they are lucky, they have three families, their mom’s, their dad’s and mine.  My entire family has accepted the kids and don’t treat them any different than the kids born to the family.  They get invited to all the parties and get Christmas and Halloween goodies. 

It took a lot of hard work on everyone’s part to get there, but we are at a point where everyone just wants happy kids.  If the mom were still jealous and hostile like the woman in the article, I hate to think of all the love and family and fun that these kids would have missed out on.

So today I am thankful that my BFs ex got past the hostility and even though she still drives us crazy at times, is way better than before.

Things I was grateful for last week

• That I have a positive relationship with my in-laws
• That I have good neighbours who will help me push my car when I am stuck
• That my boyfriend loves me and finds me attractive even if I don’t
• That I love and enjoy spending time with my step-kids
• That I am alive and mostly healthy

Attitude of Gratitude

This year I made a different kind of resolution, the resolution to be grateful.  Of course I also made the usual fitness and money related goals, but instead of trying to be ‘more’ I have decided to focus on what I have.

I usually make resolutions to be more organized, or to learn more of something, or to be better at something, and I rarely keep them.  This year I’ve decided I’m going to focus on what is already in my life, and the skills/knowledge I already have.  I guess you could say that I plan to fine tune.

I also want to shift my focus from the things I could have or should have ‘if only….’

While this goal/resolution does have some practical applications (like getting my acquired skills recognized as education) it is more directed towards people and relationships.  In the past 3 years most of the relationships in my life have either been added or dramatically changed, mostly stemming from a series of events almost 4 years ago that resulted in me placing myself in a suicide watch.  Needless to say, this sent a ripple of shock through my family and friends.  People I thought I could count on let me down, and others that I never would have thought to lean on, were rocks.  This lead to me becoming much closer to some people, distancing others, and in some cases creating relationships where I never thought I would.

In the past 3 years, I have seen my life become more solid and full that I ever thought possible.

So this year, I am going to focus my energy on all of the wonderful things and people I have in my life that I would have missed out on had I made a different choice on that day almost 4 years ago.

The first step will be to live 100 days of gratitude, I will write down 100 things I am grateful for by April 30^th.  I know it’s not exactly the way it’s supposed to be done, every day for 100 days, but I know myself (and if you read the previous failed experiment you do too lol) and I think it will be more realistic to do any 100 days instead of 100 straight days. 

So 2011 is over….

This year has been a big for me, and though I am fairly used to my life being a rollercoaster, this one was crazier than all the rest but one.

For starters, in 2010 I decided to make the shift from taking jobs for experience and to help figure out what I want to do when I grow up to finding THE job, the one I would stay at for more than my record 2 years, and I thought I had found it.  Then 2011 began.

Long story short, I lost that job at the beginning of the year due to the department being sold.  I then went through 2 more disastrous jobs before the year was out. My year of job stability turned into a year of instability, unemployment and more rejection that I have ever faced on the job market.

As you already know, I also added a 2^nd cat, a boyfriend and three young step kids into the mix.  Top it off with a stint in prison for my dad, and the more recent grandma with cancer, and I think that counts as a helluva challenging year by anyone’s standards.

I think that the hardest part, in all of this, was the fear.  I have a lifelong history of depression, anxiety, and past suicidal tendencies, and for the majority of the year, I have been scared as hell of falling back in.  With every challenge I would worry; “Is this the one that will send me over the edge?”  My boyfriend has been fantastic through all of this, but it is a fairly new relationship (though it is going at light speed compared to my past relationships) and there was also the lingering question of “will this be too much for him?”

To my surprise, the proverbial shoe never dropped, I stayed on this side of the depression cliff (though at times I was hanging on by my fingernails), the BF and I are not only still together, but still moving and growing, and our little every other weekend family is slowly but surely getting stronger.  I also started a job in mid-December that looks pretty promising.

So my big resolution this year (apart from the usual financial and weight goals) is different from past years where I have tried to be “more” something.  This year, I’m aiming for gratitude and contentment.  I want to live the life I have fully and truly appreciate what I have.