Endings, and floating around

Today is a day of many endings, or as I prefer to see them, beginnings.  It has been a long time since I feared an ending; I was always taught that in order for there to be beginnings and new things, other things have to end.

Though the world did not end today (though you could have fooled me with the snowstorm outside) it is the end of a Baktun in the Mayan calendar.  It is also The winter solstice, or yule, where the darkest part of the year is over, after that we start regaining daylight.  It is also my birthday in a few days, and the start of a new calendar year soon too.  As with most people, this time of the year gets me to thinking about the state of my life, am I where I want to be?

For the past few years I kind of chuckle when I think of this question, mostly at the thought that no one really close to me expected me to make it past 27.  I have a long history of depression, with suicidal tendencies, paired with a lot of really reckless behaviour during my teens and early 20s.  Put those two together, and it is the perfect recipe to die young.  I, and a lot of other people just assumed that one day the depression or the recklessness would get the better of me.  It really wasn't a negative thing, more of a sad acceptance thing.  I never really imagined myself past that age, so I didn’t plan.  I spent those years living like there would not be a « next year ».  I didn’t put much thought into what I wanted after 30.

Then for the past couple of years (28-30) I have been kind of floating by, seeing what would happen, part of me just happy to still be around, barely knowing where I am, let alone where I want to be.

In a few days, I’ll be 31, still young by most standards, though older than I ever expected to be. This year is different, I actually feel 31, I am on pretty solid ground and I know where I am in my life, even if this place scares the bejeezus out of me sometimes.  I feel like a grown up, I have a grown up job, and a family, and a partner.  I feel mostly secure in my « me-ness », I feel like I know who I am.  It’s like I’m in front of one of those « you are here » maps.

The question is, where do I want to go?  I know who I am, but not who I want to become, where I am, but not where I want to go.  I have a tattoo that id the runic symbol that means « voyages », I got it to remind me to never stop moving, evolving, or taking risks.  To not just take physical voyages, but internal ones as well.

So I guess that is what I’ll be doing for the next little while, taking a long look at all of the roles I play in my life, for myself and others, and trying to figure out the next plot line, the next story arc.  From what I see around me, looking forward and mapping out one’s life is second nature, for me it is a brand new experience.  I don’t expect, or want, to map out my life, but I do feel like I need a general direction.  I’m tired of just floating around

Love on its own is not enough

I was 19 and unexpectedly on my own for the first time.  My mom had moved away, and despite my dad’s family wanting me to move closer to them so they could help, I decided to stay where I was.  The reason…a guy.  Not just any guy, this was true love, The One, or so I thought at the time.  Within a couple of months, I had found my first « grown-up » job, in an office no less.  There I met my first mentor, everything was perfect.

She was smart, quirky, and exactly the kind of person I wanted to be.  She taught me how to navigate office politics, manage my time, and juggle priorities, most of all she let me learn.  I learned most of the skills that have allowed me to work as an admin assistant at that job, but the most important lessons she taught me were life lessons.  The first was that you really can be true to yourself, and do your own thing, and still find a place in society.  She taught me to compromise, but never to conform.  The other lesson was one that would save me a lot of heartbreak.

After about a year of working there, things were not so great with the guy I was with.  We were just too extreme.  We loved fiercely, and fought fiercely, everything was either really great or really bad, but we were in love, and at the time, I was young, and naive, and I believed that we would be together forever, because it was love, and when you are in love things always work out (at least according to the movies).

One day, after a particularly harsh fight with the guy, we had broken up, again.  We were in her office and she just said « you know, sometimes love isn’t enough. ».  I remember looking at her as if she were crazy.  She continued « I could meet some wonderful man tomorrow who makes me feel crazy head over heels in love, but I would be foolish to run off with him.  I love my husband, and more important, we have built a life together of common goals, values, and respect.  Love on its own is not enough to make a relationship work. » I replied « but relationships take work, it can’t always be easy » she said « there is a big difference between something taking work, and something being destructive.  A truly great relationship is when you both push each other to be better at being you, not trying to change the other person »

At the time I dismissed it, we were in love and would be together forever, end of story. 

About a month or so later, her words were still swimming around in my head.  Here was this woman whom I respected immensely, who had taught me so much and had yet to lead me in the wrong direction, telling me to let go of my one true love.  Could she be right?

Within a few months after that conversation, I left that guy, after two years of trying and failing to make it work.  I also left that job not long after, and moved to be closer to my family.  I have never regretted my decision to initially stay to be with him, mostly because if I hadn’t I would probably still be wondering « What if? ».

Her words have stayed with me ever since, and while I still love being in love, I never settled for just love, and I let go of the idea that things will work themselves out if you love each other enough.  Her lesson has allowed me to stay grounded in my relationships.  I wish I were still in contact with her, so I could tell her that I finally found my « great relationship » of love, respect, and common values and goals.  I wish I could thank her for putting a fork in the road of my life and helping me see the right direction.

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts 12.10 - What did you learn from your best boss?

Precious moments

This morning I woke up, hit the snooze button, and spent the next few minutes relishing being in bed, alone, after a great night’s sleep.  I was fully aware that i twill be my last such morning for a while, probably January at least. I love it when you are actually aware of a moment being precious and you can relish it fully.

My relishing was abruptly ended with a fat cat jumping on the bed demanding to be pet, then the other cat, wanting his share of attention too, and at that point I figured that I may as well get up.

This past week has been pretty great.  After a weekend filled with people (my mom, the kids, etc) I got to spend the whole week alone and drama free, and I enjoyed every minute of it.  Other than the required texts related to picking up the kids tonight and planning the holidays, I had no contact with the Ex.  I spent my evenings either in super productive mode, organizing everything in sight, which is hard for me to do with other people around, or in total lazy mode getting into bed at 6pm snuggled up with the cats and a good book, but the wonderful thing was that I could do what I wanted.  Other than work, I had zero obligations this week, and it was wonderful.

Tonight I pick up the kids at their mom’s, tomorrow morning I have to get up at 5:30am for SS2’s hockey practice (Which thankfully his grandpa is taking him to so though I do have to get him up and ready, I don’t have to get all 3 up and ready and at the arena).  Then the BF gets home Saturday night and the following weekend the holiday parties begin.  From then to January i twill be rushing, and planning, and logistics hell.

But this morning, that few minutes alone, in silence, it was simply wonderful.

Where we are

I must admit, the past couple of months have been pretty rough for our little family.  At one point I took a step back, realized that I while I may not be drowning; I was flailing, and decided that I needed to take action.

I went online, and started searching for resources.  I admit, I was a little disappointed by the resources available.  Most resources about being a stepmom kind of assume that you have/want kids of your own and focus on the blending of the families, which is not the case for me.  The stuff I did find, however, was pure gold.  I must admit that just the realization that I am not alone has done me as much good as the meeting with my lawyer.

A couple of articles that particularily helped were:

http://stepintheblender.com/2011/03/02/here%E2%80%99s-a-news-flash-i-don%E2%80%99t-wanna-be-friends/

and

http://ahealthystepmother.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/a-healthy-stepmother-creates-a-new-category-of-stepmother/

and

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/2011/08/10/top-10-best-things-about-being-a-stepmom/

I also bought myself a copy of The Happy Stepmother by Rachelle Katz, and A Career Girl's Guide To Becoming A Stepmom by Jacquelyn Fletcher.  The first I chose because it was one of the 2 most recommended books I saw.  The second because when I read the description I felt it would be a good match.

I think a lot of people make one very bug mistake when it comes to self-help books, they tend to focus on book that are all the rage thinking that it must have the answers.  Me, I tend to read the descriptions (and the preview pages when possible) to see if the subjects apply to me.  There is no sense in me buying a book that spends most of its pages talking about balancing my kids with his, when I don’t have kids, or one that focuses on difficulties with the step kids when that is a non-issue for us (for now at least, I’m crossing my fingers and touching all the wood I can find on that one).

I guess you could say that most of October was spent on recon by my BF and I.  He went to see his lawyer too, as well as made calls to all of the social workers, doctors, etc. that are involved with the kids.  We both wanted as much information as possible to get a really good idea of where we stand before going any further.

All of this mostly just confirmed that we are on the right track for the most part, and that other than the babymomma drama; things can’t get much worse than they have been.  She can’t get any more child support than she currently gets (which is a lot, 40% of my BF’s net paycheck, not including the health insurance he pays for them), she can’t touch anything of mine, and as much as she may threaten and bluster, she has absolutely no grounds to prevent him seeing his kids.  This pretty much covers our worst fears, so this confirmation has really gotten rid of the huge elephant in our home.

So I guess now that we know where we are, we can start thinking about where we want to go.

Between a rock and a hard place

Something happened recently that made me remember something from my childhood, something that lead to lots of therapy.  My childhood was far from easy, I was raised by a young single mom, who came from an abusive background and had alcohol and substance abuse problems.  My dad was present in my life maybe a day or two a year.  I am very lucky and blessed to have a wonderful extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins who have been there for me my whole life, but I remember asking myself, and God, often, why did no-one come get me and take me out of the situation I was in?

I lived far from this side of my family for most of my life, visiting a month in the summer and march break.  I remember my aunts and grandparents crying when they came to get me, and crying when I left.  I remember them saying that they wished I could stay forever.  I told them what it was like at home, they knew, and yet, no one came to get me.  Eventually I stopped talking about home, it changed nothing, and I poured my energy into making the most of the little time I got to spend in this stable, loving environment.

When I moved here at the age of 22, to be closer to them and the support/love they offered, I finally asked, why did they leave me there?  They explained that they had offered to take me when I was very little and my mom wanted to move away, but my mom refused, and said that if they ever tried, she would run away with me and they would never see me again. 

They also explained that this was in the early 80s, and the mindset at the time was that a situation had to be extreme to get the law to take a child away from its mother, hard enough if you were the father, nearly impossible if you were only extended family.  Since my father was worse off than my mother, they weighed the situation, and saw that the chances were remote that they would win, and that if they tried and lost, they were afraid that my mother would make good on her threat and they would lose me forever.  They decided that it would be better to give the best they could while I was with them.

I realise now that they made the right choice at the time, had they tried, they would have lost, and my mother, being a US citizen, would have been able to disappear easily.  The reason I am able to have the life I have today was because of that decision.  I avoided the common trap of thinking that things were normal at home, or that that was just how things were.  Because of that, I was able to get help sooner, and begin the therapy process much earlier than most people coming out of that type of childhood.  I was able to have great role models, and aspire to a better more stable life and loving relationships.

That is not to say that it was easy, or that there still isn’t that little kid inside me that doesn’t understand why no one will rescue her.  I spent a lot of my life doubting other people’s love because the people I loved, and who said they loved me, seemed to just leave me there in a terrible situation to fend for myself.  I was too young to understand how complicated it was, how heart wrenching it must have been for them to put me back on that plane every year, knowing exactly what I was going back to.

Now it’s me who is the one wondering what to do, what’s best.  The situation in question is not as dire as mine was, but when does it become too much?  Times have changed, but the situation isn’t any simpler. 

The money talk - Part two

I think we were both surprised and relieved at the information that came out.  When I analyzed our joint spending for the past 7 months, we saw that a huge chunk of the overspending was related to the new apartment (moving costs, furnishing the extra space etc.) and the kids (we set them up with clothes and pretty much everything they need at our place so that they don’t have to have luggage when they come and see us.)

The good news about that is that it was 95% one-time expenses.  The apartment is furnished and decorated, and neither of us are the type of people who are constantly repainting and redecorating.  My old apartment stayed pretty much exactly the same for 6 years.  As for the kids, thanks to some help from the people around us and some bargain hunting on my part, they are fully equipped for at least 2 more growth spurts.

The other main areas were food and hygiene products.  The funniest part of the conversation was when we realized that we had been buying a lot of stuff individually that we could have been buying the same.  We both thought the other was brand specific when it came to shower gel etc., and it turns out neither of us are, so right there we can start buying bigger sizes and common products.

As for food, we decided to make an effort to eat together more often, we would buy a lot of ready-made stuff, and different stuff, and we realized that it would be much cheaper if we would just plan a bit.

We also made a pact to rein in spending.  We decided that we would discuss all spending, and track all spending, it may seem extreme, but in just the past week I know I have reduced impulse spending a lot just by having the thought of having to justify it to someone.  We don’t plan to do this forever, just long enough that we can discipline ourselves a bit better and become more aware of our, and each other’s spending habits.

So that’s the plan, I think it’s a good one, here's hoping

The money talk – part 1

This week, after almost a year of living together, my boyfriend and I had the money talk.  This is a talk that I have never had with anyone, never feeling the need or urge to show my finances to my significant other.

It started the other night, when my BF came home very discouraged about his finances. 

He makes a decent salary, but pays a hefty amount of child support, which gobbles up roughly 40% of his net income, meaning that when all is said and done, he takes home less than someone on minimum wage.

I had been aware of his income, and he of mine, because we did have a discussion at the beginning of our relationship about how we would handle the bills and whether or not he was ok with me bringing home more than him.  I earn an above average but not huge salary for an admin assistant.  At this discussion, he said that he would have to deal with it since pretty much any woman with any job was going to out earn him because of the child support.  We decided that we split everything 50/50, since he had already been in the situation of supporting someone else (the ex) and did not want to be on the receiving end of that.

There are only 4 areas where bills that are not divided evenly

·         Food – I am a vegetarian, so he pays 100% for all his meat, unless we are having guests over for dinner, in which case I pay half.

·         Apartment insurance – since I own more of the stuff in the apartment than he does, we based the bill on percentage of total value, with a stipulation that in case of a claim, we each receive that same percentage of the payout.  This bill is split 65/35

·         The cleaning lady – we both agree that she is a non-negotiable expense, and forego cable to pay her. She comes for 3 hours every 2 weeks, mostly doing the heavy duty cleaning, leaving us with laundry, dishes and general picking up.  In order to ease his finances a bit he pays 1/3 of the bill, but he does more of the day to day cleaning.  I do laundry.

·         Kids expenses – If the item is necessary to the kids (ie: food, clothes, primary bedding) he pays 100%.  If the item is optional (ie: toys, books, extra clothes, bedroom decorations) we pay 50/50.

As you can see, we already had a big part of the financial talk done, but we had kept two things private: debt and spending, and we realize now that it was very stupid of us to not have had this discussion.

Me, I’m about 9000$ in debt from various sources, with about 750$ in my accounts.  I’ve had this amount of debt for a while, and the main reason it hasn’t budged is that I would often buy something for the both of us and not ask for his part, because I felt guilty.  I’m not sure if I felt weird for earning more, or that it just felt so much like I was spending my hubby’s money like some 50s housewife, but in reality, I assumed way more expenses than I should have.

Him, well, he’s mostly been overspending and underplanning. He’s in debt around 2500$, but has about 1500$ in his bank account.  He makes enough money to pay all of the concrete bills, but doesn’t plan for any extras, even though he spends on those extras anyways.

So after he came home, the other night, worried about how he was gonna pull off living the lifestyle he wanted, paying his own way etc. I saw an opportunity and jumped on it.  I told him that I too was not in the best of circumstances, and that maybe we should just lay it all out in the open and hash it out.  Then work together on a plan to help us both gain a better financial stability.

Just business

I’ve been secretly stressing inside about this for a while now, and today I got the confirmation that what I’ve been suspecting, what I’ve feared, is true.

As you know, in the past couple of years I haven’t been so lucky in the job department.  In 2010, I left my fairly secure yet frustrating job, hoping for something better.  I had been there a total of 5 years.  I found a new job pretty quick, at a company that’s employee retention was fantastic, the average was 12 years. 

Eight months later, my department was sold, and I was out of work.  Nothing against me, they said, I was a great worker and they would give me great references, it was just a business decision.  This happened the same week I met my BF.

I spent a few months on unemployment, taking the time to redo my resume (which since I had been out of work a total of 4 months in 10 years at that point, was in need of a revamp), and figure out what I wanted to do. 

Then I found a great job at a non-profit coop.  I was over the moon, I thought I had found something that I could really sink my teeth into and make great.  What I didn’t know was that it was already sinking fast, and that it was so far gone, that no amount of work or will on my part could have made it work. Nothing against me, just business.

After that I went to a complete disaster that lasted all of 2 weeks before we decided to part ways.  At this point I was battling really hard against the depression knocking at my door.  This is a hard thing to do when you find yourself unemployed 3 times in one year, through no fault of your own.

I had never ever been unemployed for this long.  Before this I had never even been fired or lost a job, I had always left to improve my situation.  I was trying so hard not to sink into depression, I didn’t want my great new BF (who at this point had just moved in with me) or the kids to see me like that, but I was starting to crack.

Then I found my current job, which I love more than any job I’ve had in the last decade.  I was replacing someone whose only reason for leaving was that the office had moved too far from where she lived.  She cried on her last day, and now I understand why.  When I started here (December 2011), I was told that usually there were 2 admin assistants, and that one was working onsite at a major project, but that she would be back the following fall, and that seemed oh so far away.

Since then, I have done very well on my own, doing the work of 2, not needing any help, and that may be my undoing.  Here we are, fall, and the other admin will be coming back soon, the project is over, and they are starting to wrap up.  The thought crept into my head a couple of weeks ago, they probably won’t need 2 admins, and she has seniority.  I went to talk to the boss, and he confirmed that I had grasped the situation.  The economy is not so great; there is less work, and less staff.  If no new major projects come in before or soon after she comes back (which could be anywhere from September to November) they will have to make a decision, and she has seniority.  Nothing against me, just business.

I remember how he told me in my interview that what stressed him about my resume was that I had had a lot of jobs in the past decade, and I had explained the circumstances, but that doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t look good and that many employers may not give me a chance to explain that most of them were not my doing.

It was the same thing over and over last year.  The jobs don’t last as long as I’d like, so I have to job hunt, but my job hunt is impeded by the fact that I have had « too many » previous jobs.

I’m kind of sick of saying « it’s not my fault », even though it’s not, and I am trying really hard not to think about it too much, hoping that a big project will come our way and we will have enough work for two, or that for some reason the other admin doesn’t want my job, or anything that would mean that I don’t have to start all over for what feels like the millionth time. 

I try not to think about it because I don’t want the depression to get a head start creeping into my mind, but when you have battled depression and suicidal thoughts for your entire adult life, it seems to get harder and feel more pointless every time.

So I’ll try and focus on the good things, the things that are not part of any previous cycle, hoping that maybe this too is not the same cycle as before, that everything will work out.  I'm going to try and hope for the best, while planning for the worst.

Political Animal

This week I was on the radio as part of a round table discussing the upcoming election in Québec.  I want oh so badly to link to it, but I am still debating on how anonymous I want to be with this blog.

Politically I tend to be much more worried about equality and environmental issues than economy, mostly because I have the attitude that if you really want to work/make money and you are willing to do what it takes, then you will find work/make money in any economy.  The people who are usually the hardest hit in any economic downturn are those who have the attitude that it’s « not worth it » to work for less than a certain salary.  These are usually people who have never been close to starving poor.

Me, I have been close to starving poor, and my definition of what is « essential » or « necessary » is very different from most people.  I can live without TV, a cell phone, internet, hell; I’ve even lived without heat.  My past experience has made me lack pity/empathy for people like the students who were on strike, wanting free/lower cost post-secondary education, when they already pay drastically less than anyone else in North America, and have cars and iPhones.

So that being said, I am probably not in a majority with regards to what is important to me in a political candidate.  This year, however, I am really torn.  For the first time in my life, the elections will have a direct economic impact on me personally, and in the very near future.  Over half of the employees where I work are on projects that are contingent on who gets elected.  Depending on who gets elected, certain projects will start, and others will stop, which affect the company’s bottom line, which affects everyone’s job security.

To make matters more confusing, for the first time ever, I am passionate about a candidate in my riding, she’s smart, articulate, and her past personal values reflect my own.  The problem is, she represents the party that is against most of the projects I mentioned above, and a party whose leader I have never liked or supported, and In Canada, when you vote for a local candidate, you are voting for their party leader as well.

So right now my options are as follows

1- I vote for the candidate hoping that she does more good on a local scale than her party leader does harm at the provincial level, so voting for my values rather than my personal economy.

2- I vote for the candidate who represents the party I usually follow, even though in the past they have done little or nothing to improve things locally.

3- I don’t vote, but if I don’t vote, than I can’t complain J

I have another 2 weeks to figure this out. 

It was all for this

This weekend was a pretty quiet one, and I must say it’s the first weekend with the kids where everything felt truly normal.  When my boyfriend came home with them and told me that they were not allowed any TV or video games, as per their mom’s punishment, I have to admit, I was worried.

I can deal with them throwing a fit due to us saying no or punishing them, but I hate it when she decrees a weekend long punishment during one of our weekends, and we get to deal with the fits, as well as having our activities restricted.

But it all worked out, there was a big baseball tournament all weekend, so my BF took the boys to that, and us girls stayed at home and watched Tangled for the 50 millionth time.  When they were at home, the kids played outside in the backyard, or semi-quietly in their rooms, and all I could think to myself was, it was all for this.

All the stress, work, and frustration of the first 6 months of the year, finding a new place, planning the move, shopping for their rooms, working an extra job to pay for all of the little extras that I wanted for them, but weren’t exactly necessary, dealing with the ex’s jealousy that we could afford to live in the bigger apartment in the nicer neighbourhood that she can’t because she refuses to work.

All of that was to make this weekend happen.  It was so that we could have the backyard that the kids could run and play in instead of the back alley/street that we had at the other place, so that we could have bedrooms and beds for all the kids, instead of an air mattress in the living room, So that we could eat at a table instead of on the living room floor, so that they could have their space, and we could have ours.

I relished in watching them do simple things, like getting their clothes from their drawers, even watching them leave their shoes lying around.  To me these were all signs that the kids felt at home.  Before, at the other apartment, they would ask for permission for every little thing, not here, here they know where stuff is, and they help themselves whenever they can.

The youngest is at an age where everything is ‘one’ or ‘a lot’, and she happily says she has ‘a lot’ of homes, and my heart grows three sizes every time I hear it.

It was all for this, and it was worth it

New apartment

It is done, we found the new apartment, and I must say, it’s effin perfect.  Right now we are in a big one bedroom, which was great for the past 5 or so years when I was living alone with my old cat, but with the bf, another cat, and 3 young kids every other weekend, it’s more than a little cramped.

Also the neighbourhood is not as kid friendly as I would like.  They can’t even play outside.

The new place, 3 bedroom with very large rooms (the kitchen, living room and master bedroom are all around 12x18), walking distance from 2 parks, with a yard out back and more storage than we know what to do with.  The master bedroom closet is 6 feet wide by 2 feet deep. (We are currently living with 2 3 foot by 1 foot closets…total…in the whole apartment).   There is even a pantry in the kitchen J

I can’t wait to move, which because Quebec is stupid sometimes, is mandatory at july 1st.  Everyone moves on the same freaking day here, which just makes absolutely no sense to me.

Also, a newer building and all that means my insurance costs are gonna be less in the three bedroom than the one bedroom, win.

The only downside is that there is a little part of me that is panicking because I am now doing all sorts of couple stuff.  I am looking at insurance for 2, signed a lease with 2 names, that sort of stuff.  All things I have never done before.  Ever since I left my mom’s place, I have never been legally connected to anyone in any way, and now I feel like I am sharing everything.  I bought curtains yesterday, and we’re splitting the cost, so I co-own curtains.

I know most of you are like so what, no biggie, but those who know me know that I am fighting hard against all of these mini anxiety attacks that I ‘m having almost every other day.

I am not exactly a commitment-phobe, because I have no problem committing myself to another person, connecting my legal, financial, and paper life is a whole other story.  I was supposed to move in with my first long term boyfriend and he crapped out on me like 3 weeks before moving, add in the whole childhood issues part, and you could say I am generally incapable of depending on someone.  It’s not that I don’t trust them per say, it’s more that I like to have an escape plan at all times, and when you start signing stuff together and sharing insurance, the wiggle room is severely limited.

So while I am super excited about how great it’s gonna be in the new place, part of me is still waiting for the bad stuff to happen.  The only thing keeping my anxiety under control is the medication and my constant reminder to myself that it’s been a year since I’ve been dating this guy (official coupledom isn’t till May 15th) and he hasn’t let me down, not even once, which is something else I have never had before (in a guy, my girls are the best EVAR!)

….and so are my 20s

During the festive season, I turned 30.  Yup, now I’m a real grownup, I can’t get away with the stupid and irresponsible crap I once did, or so they tell me.

To be honest, I think turning 29 is much harder.  When you turn 29, the panic sets in; I was overwhelmed with a feeling of ohmygodionlyhaveoneyearleft!

Not only was I not where I thought I’d be at almost 30, I had yet to figure out where I thought I’d be at almost 30.  I was still single, in a one bedroom apartment, with my almost 10 year old cat, who was my most healthy and enduring relationship with a male.  It certainly didn’t help that people actually started with the old maid jokes, or that both my parents thought I was already 30 and I had to argue with them and prove it, which was made worse by the fact that there are not together, so they each made this assumption independently.  I was going to become one of those old spinster aunts who cooks for her cats and dresses funny.

But then I thought what if I wanted to be the crazy aunt? Did I? Then my life went all crazy and I had no more time to think about it, which in my case was probably a good thing.

And now here I am at 30, and while in some ways it feels like a whole year can’t possibly have passed since then, in others it feels like a lifetime has passed.

And I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.