Leap

“Look before you leap” was something my mom said a lot to me, I’m sure she meant it as a warning, that I should make sure that I was leaping into something safe.  I’ve always been a leaper, when I jump in, it’s all in or not at all, and I’ve always looked, but probably not in the way my mom intended.  I tend to decide I’m going to leap, then look, mostly out of curiosity, then leap, no matter what I saw.

One of my best childhood friends described her role in our friendship as being the person who follows me around grabbing me by the ankles when I leap to make the trip down at least a little bit slower.  She knew me well enough that no warning can prevent me from leaping when I have decided to.

I’ve always had a “why not” attitude.  Always believed in living without regrets, not wanting to be saddled with “what ifs”.  I can honestly say that the vast majority of my leaps worked out well, when they didn’t they served as lessons, but I don’t regret a single one.

The only leap that has eluded me was a physical one.  In my many bouts of depression, I have often had suicidal thoughts, fantasies even.  How would it feel to die by X? Psychologists tell me that this sort of morbid curiosity is pretty normal for people like me, but like any fantasy, it needs to remain just that.

I’ve always come back to the one of what it must feel like to jump.  Having the final moments be of exhilaration, freedom.  I’ve never been tempted to try however, mostly because if the fear of failing.  If I were to jump, but something went wrong, I could end up stuck living in a body that has become a prison.  It always seemed counter intuitive, in my search for freedom from this life, I could end up even more imprisoned by it.

I’ve thought about a bungee jump, or skydiving, but neither really feels like it would capture that moment of standing on the edge, alone, and letting go.  Then I saw this thing called Skyjump.  You jump off a building or tower wearing a harness and cable attached to your torso, and fall.  This weekend, I’m jumping off a 20 story tower over a river.  I will get to have my fantasy without the depression and death side effects.  In just a few days, I will finally know how it feels to literally leap.

Inspired by Mama Kat's writer's workshop : Write a blog post that ends with the word: leap.

Today is the day

There have been so many little moments that I felt like I was really becoming a parent, but I think today it really hit me.  Today I realized that I was a parent, no matter what happens in the future, even if one day I am not with my BF anymore, my life and my perspective is forever changed.

I can say with absolute certainty, that the past two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life.  From someone with a past of abuse and suicide attempts, that is saying a lot.  In the past two weeks, my BF went to court to fight for his kids, then we had the maddening waiting, then I got fired.  I have no job, and I have no idea what my life will look like tomorrow let alone next week.

More than once, I have sat and thought of myself ''why haven't I cracked?''.  Far less pressure has pushed me over the edge in the past. 

Last night, we had a hard decision to make, in a very delicate situation, with a lot on the line.  One false move and the effects on our family could be irreparable.  We have suspected for a while that something was happening to his youngest at their mom's, something that happened before and last night we got to a point where we had to act.  We waited until the boys were asleep and bundled her up to go to the emergency room.  My sister in law came over with her baby and sat with the sleeping boys.

We waited for the social workers, and her mom was called, I went home to wait and see.  That is the most maddening part, the fact that in the most serious situations, I can do nothing, I just have to wait and trust that everything will work out.  When they came back from the hospital, my SD came and snuggle in next to me in our bed and fell immediately asleep.

Later in the wee hours of the morning, their mom finally got her message and came over upset and my BF explained everything, well more like he angrily told her.  I said that everyone should just calm down and that she should come back the next day.  She left, and we attempted to sleep.  I went to bed thinking to myself, ''this is it, I'm gonna wake up and I'm not gonna be able to get out of bed''.  I don't know how I managed to fall asleep.
I woke up, got out of bed, and took care of the kids.  I made lunch and waited with my BF for the kids' mom to come over.  When she got here with her best friend the three of them went to talk to my SD.  When they came out, they were visibly shaken.  My SD told her mom what happened, and she looked terrible.  I told her that we will make it through this, and that we will put aside all of our differences and do what is right for the kids.  She thanked me and the three of them left for the police station to file the report.

After they left, I called a friend, and fellow step mom, to talk.  I told her how I don't know how I am dealing with this, and then it hit me.  I am dealing with this because I no longer have a choice.  I thought about the last time when I stopped myself before an attempt, it was the first time I asked for help, and it was because I had my family here, I thought about them, I had a responsibility to them.

This time I think something inside me realized that I can't even allow myself to get to that point, this time I have a spouse and kids.  I am more scared than ever before, I have more to lose than ever before, and apparently I am stronger than ever before.

Today I understand what it means to truly be a parent and put your family first.

Desperately wanting

Throughout high school, Desperately wanting by Better than Ezra was my favorite song, without a doubt. 

The lyrics:

Past the road to your house
That you never called home
Where they turned out your lights
Though they say you'll never know

I remember running through the wet grass
And falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

When they pumped out your guts
And filled you full of those pills
You were never quite right
Deserving all the chills
They say the worst is over
Kicked it over and ran
Then they ask what went wrong
When they turn you on again
They turn you on again.

[Chorus:]
Kick them right in the face
Make them wish they weren't born
And if they bring up your name
Well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world
Never given a chance
Then they ask what went wrong
When you never had it right

Oh the letters have dropped off
Though they say you got them all
I finally figured out some things you'll never know.
Take back your life and let me inside
We'll find the door if you care to anymore.

I remember running through the wet grass
and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately Wanting.  

As a teen I struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.  I didn’t understand at the time that I have a long line of undiagnosed mental illness in my family, and that even if my home situation had been ideal I would still more than likely had to deal with mental illness.  Add in that my home situation was far from ideal, with my mother having her own undiagnosed mental illness, as well as addiction etc., and we have a perfect storm.

I remember feeling so out of control, as if my own mind were my enemy and not understanding why I reacted this or that way, why I felt this or that way.  Between the teenage hormones, the difficult home situation, and the persistent negative thoughts, it was a daily emotional rollercoaster and I just wanted off.  The most infuriating thing was when I would confide in people about what was going on in my head and they would say « don’t think like that » as if I could just flip a switch, as if I had a choice in the matter.  When your own mind seems to be working against you the only solutions seem to be mind-altering substances, or suicide.

This song spoke to me.  A house I never called home, the people asking what went wrong, as in why I thought the way I did, and the feeling of never being quite right.  When I was 15, a friend of mine committed suicide, and I was so angry at him for leaving me.  This song reminded me that there were people in my life that wanted me to fight, who believed I could win the war, and would feel the way I felt about him if I left.  It became my battle cry, the voice of my support network when they weren’t there.  I still lost a few of the battles, I still tried to leave a few times, but I survived.

I still love this song, and it speaks to me even more now, because I understand now that I didn’t have a chance at being mentally healthy, it was beyond my control then.  Now, the worst is over (I think) and I’ve taken control with the help of medication and therapy.  The battles are few and far between, thought the war isn’t over, it never will be for me, and I accept that.  I took back my life, and this song reminds me now that I did survive, and I can continue to do so.  I just have to keep running through the wet grass, never tiring, and desperately wanting to live.

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts - When you were in high school what was your favorite song? What did it mean to you then and what does it mean to you now?

Endings, and floating around

Today is a day of many endings, or as I prefer to see them, beginnings.  It has been a long time since I feared an ending; I was always taught that in order for there to be beginnings and new things, other things have to end.

Though the world did not end today (though you could have fooled me with the snowstorm outside) it is the end of a Baktun in the Mayan calendar.  It is also The winter solstice, or yule, where the darkest part of the year is over, after that we start regaining daylight.  It is also my birthday in a few days, and the start of a new calendar year soon too.  As with most people, this time of the year gets me to thinking about the state of my life, am I where I want to be?

For the past few years I kind of chuckle when I think of this question, mostly at the thought that no one really close to me expected me to make it past 27.  I have a long history of depression, with suicidal tendencies, paired with a lot of really reckless behaviour during my teens and early 20s.  Put those two together, and it is the perfect recipe to die young.  I, and a lot of other people just assumed that one day the depression or the recklessness would get the better of me.  It really wasn't a negative thing, more of a sad acceptance thing.  I never really imagined myself past that age, so I didn’t plan.  I spent those years living like there would not be a « next year ».  I didn’t put much thought into what I wanted after 30.

Then for the past couple of years (28-30) I have been kind of floating by, seeing what would happen, part of me just happy to still be around, barely knowing where I am, let alone where I want to be.

In a few days, I’ll be 31, still young by most standards, though older than I ever expected to be. This year is different, I actually feel 31, I am on pretty solid ground and I know where I am in my life, even if this place scares the bejeezus out of me sometimes.  I feel like a grown up, I have a grown up job, and a family, and a partner.  I feel mostly secure in my « me-ness », I feel like I know who I am.  It’s like I’m in front of one of those « you are here » maps.

The question is, where do I want to go?  I know who I am, but not who I want to become, where I am, but not where I want to go.  I have a tattoo that id the runic symbol that means « voyages », I got it to remind me to never stop moving, evolving, or taking risks.  To not just take physical voyages, but internal ones as well.

So I guess that is what I’ll be doing for the next little while, taking a long look at all of the roles I play in my life, for myself and others, and trying to figure out the next plot line, the next story arc.  From what I see around me, looking forward and mapping out one’s life is second nature, for me it is a brand new experience.  I don’t expect, or want, to map out my life, but I do feel like I need a general direction.  I’m tired of just floating around

Sparkle

Sparkle

It’s funny the oddball places that you learn important life lessons.  I learned this one in elementary school choir.  I loved choir, and eagerly skipped off to every practice to sing my little heart out.  Unfortunately, I was terrible, to the point where once I was deemed old enough to not be completely destroyed emotionally (about 8) they kindly asked my mother if she couldn’t encourage me to quit. 

This experience taught me two important life lessons.  The first was that being passionate and devoted to something does not necessarily mean you will be good at it, we all have our limitations.  The second was how to sparkle on demand.

One of the first things the choir teacher told us was that you should never smile with your mouth while singing, as it can deform the pitch and note etc., so we had to learn how to smile with our eyes, and the rest of our faces.  She would say "don’t smile, sparkle".

It may seem silly, and a completely useless thing outside of singing, but it has served me well.  I had trouble with it as a kid, so I used to practice in the mirror.  I learned how to make my face look genuinely happy on demand.  The one thing that always gives away a fake smile is that the smile is limited to the mouth, the eyes and face don’t follow.  By learning to « sparkle » I learned how to control the rest. 

The first and most frequent use of this is pictures, I often get the comment that i am photogenic, that my pictures always look so happy, so sincere.  While a lot of them are moments of sincere happiness, some are sparkle.

The second use is less frequent, but in my opinion more useful.  I am prone to depression and anxiety, and when it’s just a mild attack, I consciously sparkle.  I make my face be happy when I’m not.  Numerous studies have proven that smiling on purpose helps people with depression since your body is apparently stupid and doesn’t always know the difference.  Also, when you sparkle, people are happier to be with you, which often results in good times and real happy smiles.

I’m not saying that it’s a cure all, but when it’s just depression tapping on my door trying to find a way in, sometimes the sparkle scares it away.

More than I bargained for

Before I met my current BF, I had always said that I didn’t want to date a guy who had kids.  My reasoning was that if he was a good dad, I would always come second, and I didn’t see the fairness in that (since I don’t have kids, the guy would be first for me) and if he was the type of guy who would put me first, he wouldn’t be a good dad in my opinion, and therefore not the type of guy I could be with and respect long term.

For me it was pretty cut and dry, and for all of my 20s I avoided guys with kids.

Then I got to the end of my 20s, and my cousin helpfully pointed out that in this day and age, finding a guy in his 30s who didn’t already have kids AND didn’t want any (as I have no intentions of having any myself) was a pretty unrealistic expectation.  She also pointed out that I was at a stage in my life where even if I met Mr. Right the next day, there would be plenty of people who would come before him in my life.  I was past the age where a man could be the center of my world, so why should I expect to be the center of theirs.  This didn’t worry me, since I have always been very ok with the single life, but it did get me thinking, so I decided I would set aside my « rules » and see how it went.

Then, breaking all my rules, I met him.  He was everything I never wanted, and he was the one for me.  We went really slow, dated for a few months before even considering bringing the kids (or the ex) into it.  I thought long and hard about what I though dating a guy with kids implied, and whether or not this guy was worth it.  I thought about what kind of role I wanted to play in these kids’ life.  I decided that I would be the same as with my niece and godson, and extra adult in the support system.  I knew that the situation with his ex was, shall we say, difficult, but my mom’s side of the family are pretty much all crazy as a bag of hammers dysfunctional, so I figured if I survived them, I should be good.  I knew his mother was imposing and one of those people who is « always right », but I have no problem standing up for myself when needed.  I decided to dive in.

What followed was a whirlwind of family and household dynamics that I never could have prepared for or imagined.  Within a year, everything I knew had changed.  I ended up in a family and home that I never saw coming, but it was still good.

I developed a pretty great relationship with the kids, and the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship with a man that I have ever had.  His ex and I seemed to be able to work together.  His mom and I have found our common ground, and she has even acknowledged I was right a few times.  I figured we were on the right track.

Then, for some reason I still don’t know, his ex decided I was the enemy.  Where before she often asked me to get involved, now she was aggressively excluding me.  Where once she expressed the desire for us to be friends, now she is attacking left and right, to the point that my BF, his mom and brother have felt the need to intervene and defend me.  It’s gotten to the point that I have felt the need to consult with a lawyer.

Perhaps due to her animosity, we are having more trouble than usual with the oldest.  Definitely due to her animosity, my BF is stressed .  On the one hand, he doesn’t want to fight with her, but on the other he knows that he needs to have my back.

In the past few weeks, I have realized that as much as I love my BF and his kids, this whole stepmom gig sucks.  I never expected it to be easy, but I never expected to live in a minefield either.  I also felt my nemesis depression trying to sneak up on me.  I don’t think I ever expected his ex to have this much of a presence in my day to day life, even when the kids aren’t there.  It had been a long time since I had felt this isolated.  I guess I just generally realized that I was overwhelmed and under-equipped.  

I bought myself a couple of step-mom books and decided to take a step back, focus on me a bit.  I know I can’t avoid the ex, or the resulting drama forever, but taking a break and trying to find a new game plan is about all I can do to keep sane and not run for the hills.  There is no way in hell I'm going to let her team up with depression to take me down.

Just business

I’ve been secretly stressing inside about this for a while now, and today I got the confirmation that what I’ve been suspecting, what I’ve feared, is true.

As you know, in the past couple of years I haven’t been so lucky in the job department.  In 2010, I left my fairly secure yet frustrating job, hoping for something better.  I had been there a total of 5 years.  I found a new job pretty quick, at a company that’s employee retention was fantastic, the average was 12 years. 

Eight months later, my department was sold, and I was out of work.  Nothing against me, they said, I was a great worker and they would give me great references, it was just a business decision.  This happened the same week I met my BF.

I spent a few months on unemployment, taking the time to redo my resume (which since I had been out of work a total of 4 months in 10 years at that point, was in need of a revamp), and figure out what I wanted to do. 

Then I found a great job at a non-profit coop.  I was over the moon, I thought I had found something that I could really sink my teeth into and make great.  What I didn’t know was that it was already sinking fast, and that it was so far gone, that no amount of work or will on my part could have made it work. Nothing against me, just business.

After that I went to a complete disaster that lasted all of 2 weeks before we decided to part ways.  At this point I was battling really hard against the depression knocking at my door.  This is a hard thing to do when you find yourself unemployed 3 times in one year, through no fault of your own.

I had never ever been unemployed for this long.  Before this I had never even been fired or lost a job, I had always left to improve my situation.  I was trying so hard not to sink into depression, I didn’t want my great new BF (who at this point had just moved in with me) or the kids to see me like that, but I was starting to crack.

Then I found my current job, which I love more than any job I’ve had in the last decade.  I was replacing someone whose only reason for leaving was that the office had moved too far from where she lived.  She cried on her last day, and now I understand why.  When I started here (December 2011), I was told that usually there were 2 admin assistants, and that one was working onsite at a major project, but that she would be back the following fall, and that seemed oh so far away.

Since then, I have done very well on my own, doing the work of 2, not needing any help, and that may be my undoing.  Here we are, fall, and the other admin will be coming back soon, the project is over, and they are starting to wrap up.  The thought crept into my head a couple of weeks ago, they probably won’t need 2 admins, and she has seniority.  I went to talk to the boss, and he confirmed that I had grasped the situation.  The economy is not so great; there is less work, and less staff.  If no new major projects come in before or soon after she comes back (which could be anywhere from September to November) they will have to make a decision, and she has seniority.  Nothing against me, just business.

I remember how he told me in my interview that what stressed him about my resume was that I had had a lot of jobs in the past decade, and I had explained the circumstances, but that doesn’t change the fact that it doesn’t look good and that many employers may not give me a chance to explain that most of them were not my doing.

It was the same thing over and over last year.  The jobs don’t last as long as I’d like, so I have to job hunt, but my job hunt is impeded by the fact that I have had « too many » previous jobs.

I’m kind of sick of saying « it’s not my fault », even though it’s not, and I am trying really hard not to think about it too much, hoping that a big project will come our way and we will have enough work for two, or that for some reason the other admin doesn’t want my job, or anything that would mean that I don’t have to start all over for what feels like the millionth time. 

I try not to think about it because I don’t want the depression to get a head start creeping into my mind, but when you have battled depression and suicidal thoughts for your entire adult life, it seems to get harder and feel more pointless every time.

So I’ll try and focus on the good things, the things that are not part of any previous cycle, hoping that maybe this too is not the same cycle as before, that everything will work out.  I'm going to try and hope for the best, while planning for the worst.

So 2011 is over….

This year has been a big for me, and though I am fairly used to my life being a rollercoaster, this one was crazier than all the rest but one.

For starters, in 2010 I decided to make the shift from taking jobs for experience and to help figure out what I want to do when I grow up to finding THE job, the one I would stay at for more than my record 2 years, and I thought I had found it.  Then 2011 began.

Long story short, I lost that job at the beginning of the year due to the department being sold.  I then went through 2 more disastrous jobs before the year was out. My year of job stability turned into a year of instability, unemployment and more rejection that I have ever faced on the job market.

As you already know, I also added a 2^nd cat, a boyfriend and three young step kids into the mix.  Top it off with a stint in prison for my dad, and the more recent grandma with cancer, and I think that counts as a helluva challenging year by anyone’s standards.

I think that the hardest part, in all of this, was the fear.  I have a lifelong history of depression, anxiety, and past suicidal tendencies, and for the majority of the year, I have been scared as hell of falling back in.  With every challenge I would worry; “Is this the one that will send me over the edge?”  My boyfriend has been fantastic through all of this, but it is a fairly new relationship (though it is going at light speed compared to my past relationships) and there was also the lingering question of “will this be too much for him?”

To my surprise, the proverbial shoe never dropped, I stayed on this side of the depression cliff (though at times I was hanging on by my fingernails), the BF and I are not only still together, but still moving and growing, and our little every other weekend family is slowly but surely getting stronger.  I also started a job in mid-December that looks pretty promising.

So my big resolution this year (apart from the usual financial and weight goals) is different from past years where I have tried to be “more” something.  This year, I’m aiming for gratitude and contentment.  I want to live the life I have fully and truly appreciate what I have.