On being Hated

I have been disliked in the past, a lot even.  This time is different, I have never been hated, reviled even, until now.  I have never had anyone look at me with such intensity that I knew if they could make my head explode, they would.

At first I thought I could make her like me, that I would be such a great stepmom to her kids that she would thank my BF for having found such a fine woman.  Oh how deluded I was.

When I finally came to my senses about that one, I thought we could at least settle into some sort of mutual respect.  That she would at least accept the contribution I was making and put down her weapons.

Then I thought that she at the very least wanted the best for her kids and would agree to a ceasefire for their sake.  She didn't have to like me , or even respect me, just pretend politeness in front of the kids.

I was wrong on all accounts.  It has gotten to the point that the kids aren't allowed to sit with their father if I am there, and there is no option of showing me any kind of affection in front of her.  the ironic thing is that the kid who insists on showing me affection in front of his mom, no matter her reaction, is the one who in general is the least affectionate.

I think that for the other kids, they know that I am understanding and that I don't hold it against them and they will get plenty of affection from me when she isn't around.  The middle child, he is very insecure and afraid of losing the people he loves, he did lose 4 stepdads in the past two years.  So I think for him showing me affection in front of his mom is his way of saying that he doesn't care what she says, he is not losing me too.

Me, I can honestly say that it was more surprising than anything.  I didn't expect her to be the type of person to let hate take over.  I refuse to hate her because I don't want to let her take up that much space in my life, and to let that kind of negativity into my heart.

What bothers me is that the kids are so torn.  They love me, but they are made to feel as though by loving me, they are betraying their mother.  She is so focused on hating me that she actually asked for a clause that the kids had to stop calling me mom in the custody agreement.  They have never called me anything but my given name, but in her mind, I am trying to usurp her.

I have taken so many steps back to avoid conflict with her that the only step back I have left is to leave all together, and I will not do that.

The custody hearing is on Monday, we have done all that we can, gotten all of the reports and testimonys we can.  All that is left is for my wonderful BF to tell his side on the witness stand, and their mom to tell hers, and then for a judge to decide.  All the while I'll be sitting in the hall outside the courtroom, waiting and trying not to go crazy.  I'm not allowed in the room you see, I'm just the stepmom.

I was wrong

I thought it would be different than everyone said, but it was worse.

I thought I could fix things, but I couldn’t.

I thought she would see the good I was doing and come around, but she didn’t.

I thought I could protect the kids, but I can’t.

I thought she couldn’t hurt me, but she found a way.

I didn’t think I would have to fight this hard, apparently I do.

Most importantly, I thought I wasn’t ready for all of this, but I know now that I am.

Inspired by Mama Kat's writer's workshop : Something you were wrong about

A year ago

A year ago this week on my blog, there was nothing.  A year ago we were living one of the hardest things one can as a family, the possibility of one of the children being abused, and not knowing by who.  We were meeting with children’s services, and generealy just trying to keep our s**t together.

A year ago I had hope, because the kids’ mom and us were acting as a unit, a team, in the best interests of the kids.  I had hoped that it would be a new beginning for us all.

Sadly, my hopes were dashed, and while everthing worked out last year, this year is different.  

A year later we are having to fight for my BF’s visitation with the kids, and with the constant threats on her part that she will make sure we never see them.  This year, instead of her asking for my help, she is hurling insults and threats at me.  It has been over two months since she said she no longer wanted to see me or hear from me, and I have respected that.  Now she says that she wants a court order to make sure I can’t have contact with the kids, that I would have to leave my home when they are there.

ven if I know I have done nothing wrong, the threat is there.  I wonder what vile thing she will say, what will she accuse me of in order to get her way.  I know she can’t simply say «  I don’t want my kids to see her » as a reason, so what will she say?  I worry constantly about what she says to the kids about me, and how she may be making them feel conflicted about their feelings.

A year has passed, and though the particuliar situation has changed, I am still just trying to go one daya t a time and keep my s**t together.  This time it is much harder to hope and have faith that everything will work out.  I keep trying to remember my Nanny’s words, « when things are so dark that you can’t see the light, you just look down at your feet and focus on each step, eventually you will reach the light. »

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts - Look into your archives. What were you blogging about a year ago around this time? Are you still dealing with the same thing? Your thoughts?

Conspiracy theories...part two

Continued from Monday’s post 

We weren’t in the car 5 minutes when my BF’s cell phone rang.  I heard her voice, but I was driving so I tried not to pay attention.  He wasn’t saying much, but what could he say with the kids right there. All I kept thinking was “please don’t let her be telling him to bring the kids back”.  He hung up, obviously distressed, I asked him if everything was ok, he said no.  I asked him in English if we had to bring back the kids, he said no.  This was about all he said until we got home. 

He asked me what happened between me and her, I told him.  He told me that she told him she never wants to have anything to do with me and that if she saw me on her property she would call the police.  I was in shock, I knew she was crazy and had a tendency to overreact, but this was new.  I went to check on the kids, when I got back, he was sitting in a chair in the dark living room.  I asked him if he was mad at me, he said he didn’t know what to think.  I got furious.  I was only defending him and his rights, and he might be mad at me!  How dare he!  We didn’t speak to each other that night.

The next morning, when he woke me up because he was leaving for SS2’s hockey practice, I told him I loved him, we hugged, and he said he loved me too, and left.  When he came back, he was alone.  Apparently she had showed up at the practice and had gone into the changing room with SS2 after.  When SS2 came out, he had a donut and said he wanted to go home with his mom.  My BF, holding to our rule of not manipulating the kids and letting them express themselves freely, agreed.  When he got into his car, she came up to him.  According to him he really laid into her, and then drove away, exactly as I had.  We sat together and talked it out.  I told him that her reaction essentially meant that it would be up to him for the next while to fight for us, our family.  Unfortunately I am not a genetic parent, and therefore have no rights, and she can bar me from her home.  I told him that if she wanted to continue this level of hostility I did not want her in my home either, and he agreed that we would make our home an EX free zone as much as we could.  I told him that I was confident that he was ready to take up the baton and stand up for himself, and us.  He replied that while he was less confident in his abilities, he was ready to give it all he has.  As with everything, we would face this together.

Not long after, the phone rang, it was her, SS2 wanted to come back.  My BF told her to meet him at the swimming lesson to drop him off.  The rest of the weekend went great, the kids were happy, fun was had by all.  Sunday afternoon the kids were playing outside, and we were inside, watching them from the window.  My BF gave me a hug and said we can do this, together we are stronger than her.  I think it was the most optimistic thing I have ever heard him say, and I believe him.

Conspiracy theories

I know I’ve been MIA for a little while, but there has been an epic shift in our family dynamic.  Last week the ex started anew with her manipulation efforts.  This weekend was our weekend with the kids, and we had a bunch of stuff planned.  Monday night she calls to say that she wants the kids on Saturday for a birthday party.  We said no because we were already going to a party in another city this weekend, and we had already made the plans.  Needless to say, she wasn’t happy about not getting her way; she started going on about how was she supposed to explain it to the kids etc.  I said easy, give the phone to the oldest and I would do the explaining.  Eventually, she gave him the phone, and I barely had time to tell him our plans before he was excited.  He gave the phone back, and I said that he didn’t seem upset, and that I considered the matter closed.

After that, all this week my BF had been stressing, worried about whether she would make trouble, or worse, not be there when we go to pick up the kids.  Friday comes along, and we head to her new place, as she has moved, again.  When we got there, she was playing a ninja video game with the kids.  This from the woman who reamed us out for having similar games at our house and here she was, playing one with them.  I told her that I felt it was hypocrisy on her part, and that I didn’t want to hear any more judgement on her part for our home and what we allow.  The kids then wanted to show me their rooms, and honestly, I wanted to see.  She doesn’t have the best track record, at one point the kids were in a basement with a cement floor and 2x4s for walls.

I started in my stepdaughter’s room, and was not surprised.  No sheets on the bed, an old couch, and some toys that had spent over a year outside at the other place, now inside, but apparently not washed.  Then on to the boys.  Her whole argument for moving was to have the boys in separate rooms after the incidents during the past year.  She wanted to separate them and have better supervision.  The boys were in newly built rooms, with no doors, and no flooring.  She had put foam mats on the cement, which help with the hard floor, but do nothing for the humidity or insulation.  I turned around and saw a door to outside.  So the boys were now alone, in the basement (so no supervision) with easy access to outside without her knowing.  I think my dismay was pretty apparent on my face.  I asked her if the boys would be getting floors or doors soon, and she said that she didn’t have money for that.  I said nothing les and went upstairs.  My BF was at the door, and we got ready to go.  My BF went to get the kids in the car and I stayed to ask her one last question, had the swimming lessons been paid, because we had been approached by the instructor and it was embarrassing, and we didn’t want to repeat that experience.  She said that it was paid, but that she didn’t have a confirmation.  She then started trying to defend her playing the game and I said that I didn’t want to get into it.  Since her defence wasn’t working, she went on the offence, attacking us, and my BF saying that he never took care of the kids etc., and how I know nothing because I’ve barely been around for a year.  I told her that I’ve been around for over two years now, and that my BF takes very good care of the kids.  She then let her crazy out and said that my BF doesn’t care about the kids; it’s that my MIL and I are using him to conspire to take the kids away for ourselves.  I was taken aback; I mean what do you even say to that level of crazy.  I told her she was paranoid, that I was not trying to steal her children and that I was not going to continue this conversation.  I turned, got in the car, and pulled away while she stood, fuming, in her doorway.

This isn’t the end of the story, I’ll continue this a little later this week when I’ve had time to get my thoughts in order.

Demands

After almost two years together, I recently made my first demand of my boyfriend.  In general, I don’t really interfere much with what he wants to do with his time, mostly because I am pretty independent myself and I wouldn’t want him demanding to know how I spend every minute or telling me what to do, so I don’t do it to him.  I try my best to be supportive.

A few times a year, his work asks him to go on trips lasting anywhere from one to two weeks, and up until now I have never said much about it.  These trips are important to him because he makes a good amount of money when he goes, and with his child support payments, he is on a pretty tight budget.  These trips generally earn him the money he needs for his activities like hockey etc.

The past three trips however, have impacted me very negatively.  Every single time his ex causes major drama and I end up having to deal with it alone.  Though I suspect that she does this on purpose, knowing that he is far away and kind of helpless in the situation she creates, I can’t prove it.  All I know is the past three trips have ended up with me alone, dealing with some pretty harsh situations, even having to fight for his rights with his kids at times.  It’s not just the drama, but the fact that I have to absorb all of it myself, and I don’t have him to lean on.  I have to deal with the harassing phone calls and texts, the yelling, the threats. 

He says he hates leaving and making me deal with this, but he needs the money.  It has gotten to the point where if he is away and she calls or texts, I have an immediate physical reaction, a nauseous knot in my stomach.  This is in addition to the worrying about what she might do.

All three times he has said it would be his last trip.  The other night, he mentioned that he was thinking about the next one, I put my foot down.  I told him that trips within a day of driving were still fine with me, but anything else I can’t deal with.  If he is within driving distance and there is an emergency or she does something, then he can come back, he is also much more reachable by telephone or text etc.

I told him that I cannot deal with her crap alone anymore, and that I felt it was unfair to ask me to continue.  I said that as long as she is as volatile and unpredictable as she is, I refuse to deal with it alone.  He chose her, he chose to have kids with her, and it is just not fair for him to ask anyone else to deal with her in his place.  I will always stand beside him, and back him up, and help him, but I can’t deal with the stress and worry alone.

As with anyone receiving a demand, he didn’t like it.  I replied that I would rather talk about it now, before there is an actual trip, while there is no urgency, but that I don’t want him to go on another long trip.  I put up my first real boundary in our relationship, made my first non-negotiable demand.  I just hope he understands that I am asking this in order to avoid reaching my breaking point, or slipping into a depression, or resenting him for putting me in these situations.

Where we are

I must admit, the past couple of months have been pretty rough for our little family.  At one point I took a step back, realized that I while I may not be drowning; I was flailing, and decided that I needed to take action.

I went online, and started searching for resources.  I admit, I was a little disappointed by the resources available.  Most resources about being a stepmom kind of assume that you have/want kids of your own and focus on the blending of the families, which is not the case for me.  The stuff I did find, however, was pure gold.  I must admit that just the realization that I am not alone has done me as much good as the meeting with my lawyer.

A couple of articles that particularily helped were:

http://stepintheblender.com/2011/03/02/here%E2%80%99s-a-news-flash-i-don%E2%80%99t-wanna-be-friends/

and

http://ahealthystepmother.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/a-healthy-stepmother-creates-a-new-category-of-stepmother/

and

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/2011/08/10/top-10-best-things-about-being-a-stepmom/

I also bought myself a copy of The Happy Stepmother by Rachelle Katz, and A Career Girl's Guide To Becoming A Stepmom by Jacquelyn Fletcher.  The first I chose because it was one of the 2 most recommended books I saw.  The second because when I read the description I felt it would be a good match.

I think a lot of people make one very bug mistake when it comes to self-help books, they tend to focus on book that are all the rage thinking that it must have the answers.  Me, I tend to read the descriptions (and the preview pages when possible) to see if the subjects apply to me.  There is no sense in me buying a book that spends most of its pages talking about balancing my kids with his, when I don’t have kids, or one that focuses on difficulties with the step kids when that is a non-issue for us (for now at least, I’m crossing my fingers and touching all the wood I can find on that one).

I guess you could say that most of October was spent on recon by my BF and I.  He went to see his lawyer too, as well as made calls to all of the social workers, doctors, etc. that are involved with the kids.  We both wanted as much information as possible to get a really good idea of where we stand before going any further.

All of this mostly just confirmed that we are on the right track for the most part, and that other than the babymomma drama; things can’t get much worse than they have been.  She can’t get any more child support than she currently gets (which is a lot, 40% of my BF’s net paycheck, not including the health insurance he pays for them), she can’t touch anything of mine, and as much as she may threaten and bluster, she has absolutely no grounds to prevent him seeing his kids.  This pretty much covers our worst fears, so this confirmation has really gotten rid of the huge elephant in our home.

So I guess now that we know where we are, we can start thinking about where we want to go.

Halloween, and Boundaries

In general, I am not a holiday type person.  I’m not a fan of Christmas, or Easter, or almost any family related holiday, mostly due to the fact that most of these holidays are connected to really crappy childhood memories.  All but Halloween.  Halloween was always fun, my mom rarely got drunk, and we always went all out with the costumes.  Never store bought costumes, the kind of costumes that you start a month beforehand.

To this day, Halloween is the one and only holiday that I hold sacred and still go balls out on my costumes.  Since Halloween usually falls on a weekday, my BF doesn’t get to take the kids trick or treating, so we found an activity during the weekend before that we can still all get dressed up, eat some candy, and the best art…it’s a huge scavenger hunt that my aunt organized in my hometown every year.  The best part was that I hit the jackpot when it comes to costumes.  I found a very Marie-Antoinette style pink dress for my stepdaughter at a second hand shop.  It had a few stains, and needed some sewing, but it was only 7 bucks, and I knew I was up to the challenge.  I also found a lovely blue princess dress for me too.  After some sewing and stain remover, I showed the dresses to her and she just glowed, asking me more than once if it was really « all for her ».

So all in all we had a great time last Sunday, 2 princesses, 2 ninjas (the boys) and a Greek God (the BF).  My cousins and their kids were there too, we scavenged, we hunted, we played and ate candy.  We stopped by my BF’s mother’s to show her the costumes and she ooohed and aaahed and gave them more candy.  Then we got them changed and brought them back to their mom’s.

Then, last night, we get a phone call from my oldest stepson.  He wants the costumes that we used this past weekend.  My BF asked to talk to their mom, she explained that she brought out their costumes from last year and they don’t fit, and since it’s the night before Halloween, she doesn’t have the time to get new ones.  My BF said that he’d see and call her back.  He told me what the call was, and I was furious.  After all the attacks and insults she has poured on me lately, she has the gall to use the kids to ask me for the costumes.

First of all, I bought the costumes myself, they are a non-essential item that I wanted, so I paid for them and did the repairs myself.   Second, why did she wait until the last minute to try on their costumes, it’s not like she didn’t know when the 31st was.  Third, she wasn’t even offering for us to go with them, she just wanted the costumes.  As far as I could tell she assumed that we would say yes to the kids if they were the ones asking and so didn’t have to spend money on costumes.

My BF and I discussed it and decided that no, we would not bail her out.  It sucks for the kids, but at the same time, we did our part to make sure they had a fun Halloween activity with costumes; it’s not our responsibility to provide for hers.  We are responsible for the kids’ wellbeing and happiness when they are with us, and we make sure that they have everything they need at our place, but other than the child support my BF pays, we are not taking any more responsibility for providing for her.

It was hard for us to hear the oldest upset, and we know that she probably spent the rest of the evening dealing with an inconsolable 8 year old, but this time we are setting our boundaries.  It’s not the first time she has assumed we would pick up the slack, and it probably won’t be the last, but it was the first time we’ve said no, and I think it’s a good start for us.

More than I bargained for

Before I met my current BF, I had always said that I didn’t want to date a guy who had kids.  My reasoning was that if he was a good dad, I would always come second, and I didn’t see the fairness in that (since I don’t have kids, the guy would be first for me) and if he was the type of guy who would put me first, he wouldn’t be a good dad in my opinion, and therefore not the type of guy I could be with and respect long term.

For me it was pretty cut and dry, and for all of my 20s I avoided guys with kids.

Then I got to the end of my 20s, and my cousin helpfully pointed out that in this day and age, finding a guy in his 30s who didn’t already have kids AND didn’t want any (as I have no intentions of having any myself) was a pretty unrealistic expectation.  She also pointed out that I was at a stage in my life where even if I met Mr. Right the next day, there would be plenty of people who would come before him in my life.  I was past the age where a man could be the center of my world, so why should I expect to be the center of theirs.  This didn’t worry me, since I have always been very ok with the single life, but it did get me thinking, so I decided I would set aside my « rules » and see how it went.

Then, breaking all my rules, I met him.  He was everything I never wanted, and he was the one for me.  We went really slow, dated for a few months before even considering bringing the kids (or the ex) into it.  I thought long and hard about what I though dating a guy with kids implied, and whether or not this guy was worth it.  I thought about what kind of role I wanted to play in these kids’ life.  I decided that I would be the same as with my niece and godson, and extra adult in the support system.  I knew that the situation with his ex was, shall we say, difficult, but my mom’s side of the family are pretty much all crazy as a bag of hammers dysfunctional, so I figured if I survived them, I should be good.  I knew his mother was imposing and one of those people who is « always right », but I have no problem standing up for myself when needed.  I decided to dive in.

What followed was a whirlwind of family and household dynamics that I never could have prepared for or imagined.  Within a year, everything I knew had changed.  I ended up in a family and home that I never saw coming, but it was still good.

I developed a pretty great relationship with the kids, and the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship with a man that I have ever had.  His ex and I seemed to be able to work together.  His mom and I have found our common ground, and she has even acknowledged I was right a few times.  I figured we were on the right track.

Then, for some reason I still don’t know, his ex decided I was the enemy.  Where before she often asked me to get involved, now she was aggressively excluding me.  Where once she expressed the desire for us to be friends, now she is attacking left and right, to the point that my BF, his mom and brother have felt the need to intervene and defend me.  It’s gotten to the point that I have felt the need to consult with a lawyer.

Perhaps due to her animosity, we are having more trouble than usual with the oldest.  Definitely due to her animosity, my BF is stressed .  On the one hand, he doesn’t want to fight with her, but on the other he knows that he needs to have my back.

In the past few weeks, I have realized that as much as I love my BF and his kids, this whole stepmom gig sucks.  I never expected it to be easy, but I never expected to live in a minefield either.  I also felt my nemesis depression trying to sneak up on me.  I don’t think I ever expected his ex to have this much of a presence in my day to day life, even when the kids aren’t there.  It had been a long time since I had felt this isolated.  I guess I just generally realized that I was overwhelmed and under-equipped.  

I bought myself a couple of step-mom books and decided to take a step back, focus on me a bit.  I know I can’t avoid the ex, or the resulting drama forever, but taking a break and trying to find a new game plan is about all I can do to keep sane and not run for the hills.  There is no way in hell I'm going to let her team up with depression to take me down.

On being selfish

For the past couple of weeks, my BF has been gone on a business trip.  The day he left, his ex decided to unleash a huge pile of drama.  Enough drama that he actually reconsidered leaving because he didn’t want to leave me alone to deal with whatever she may do.  Enough drama that I actually thought it time to consult with a lawyer.  I told him to go, that I would be fine, and that I would just do my best to avoid her.

I consulted with my lawyer, and without getting into the details, he reassured me that things couldn’t get any worse than they had been in the past year, at least not legally or financially.

After seeing my lawyer, I decided that I would spend the second week avoiding all thought of her.  I would focus on me and that’s all.

This past week felt a lot like how things were when it was just me and my old cat.  The dishes didn’t pile up, neither did the laundry.  Things were quiet in the house, I slept soundly and in general things were serene and drama free.  I hadn’t experienced this in a very long time, as in over a year, and it brought me to a realization, I missed this.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my boyfriend and his kids, I am happier and more satisfied with my life in general than at any other time in my life, but I miss being able to be selfish.  I miss being able to ignore the phone, not having to pick up after anyone but me, not having to worry about if someone else is forgetting something.

I also miss being able to choose who is part of my life.  There are a lot of people that I have minimal to no contact with that surprises people.  When I tell people that I have only seen my mother twice in the past decade, they are shocked.  I made a conscious decision a very long time ago that I refused to have people in my life that did not have a positive impact in my life, no matter who they were. 

Unfortunately now I have to deal with someone who seems hell bent on making my life difficult on a regular basis.  I can’t get rid of her unless I am willing to sacrifice the 4 people that I love that are attached to her, and that is too much of a sacrifice.

I guess I miss the control I had over my life before.  I could make decisions without having to think about how they will affect these other people, or what his ex will do if I do such and such.  I’ve been reading up on the subject, and it seems that I am not the only exhausted step-mom out there, and that my biggest mistake was trying to fix everything and doing too much.  So I guess the easy answer is to step back, take care of myself for a while, let everyone else work it out on their own.  Frankly, I don’t know if I can do that, I’m a doer/fixer by nature, it’s not in me to just sit by when I could be doing something.  My biggest fear is that if I don’t DO anything than things will get worse and people I love will suffer, but if I keep this up, I’ll suffer. 

I honestly don’t know what path I’ll choose.  All I know is the BF comes back tonight, and we go get the kids tomorrow, so I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

My place

For the past couple of months, my BFs ex has been telling me (in rather rude ways and in public) to stay in my place of a stepmom.  She has gone so far as to tell me that if I wanted to have an influence in a child’s life, I should have given birth to one.

My first instance was to reply that anyone can give birth to a child and that in my opinion giving birth is not an indicator of parenting ability, but I held back.  In fact, I have avoided replying and interacting as much as possible.  The main reason being that this was totally unexpected and out of the blue.

For the past year, she has been the one asking for my help and support, even encouraging me to get more involved.  Until a couple of months ago, she had never put up any sort of barrier between me and the kids.  Then in July it all changed.

In July we moved into the new apartment, where the kids have rooms and a yard.  We had the kids for a week in the summer, and I took them to their appointments, except for the ones that she had indicated that their father had to take them.  After that week the first shot was fired.

She called my BF furious that I had taken one of the kids to a psychology appointment, an appointment that she had not indicated that I couldn’t.  I hadn’t even participated in the appointment, I dropped him off, and picked him up, that’s it.  She said that I had no business bring the kids to anything official.  We chalked it up to her usual controlling ways.

Fast forward to September.  She tells us that she may be going away for a few weeks in January, and asks us to take the kids.  We agree.  She calls a week later to ask my BF to go to a parent night at the boys’ school, he replies that we’ll go.  She forbids me from going.  We are confused, she had asked me to be there with social workers in the past, why not this?  We reply that it would be good for the teachers to meet me in case I had to go get the kids while she was away, she says no, it’s not my place.  She says that she doesn’t need to have « his girlfriend shoved in her face during the week ».  Again I am confused, we had been shopping for the kids together a mere month earlier.  She goes on a tirade on my Facebook wall, again saying it’s not my place. 

My BF had been asking her for months to go with her for the reports and information, but she never called him, just went herself and then gave him a summary.  My BF decided that enough was enough and that he would go himself to see the psychologist and get the information about his son himself.  He and the psychologist ask me to join them, they say it’s my place.  What we learn is stunning to say the least, but I won’t go into that here.

Then this week, she finds out that my BFand I have been to see the psychologist.  She is furious, and attacks and threatens.

So here I am, trying to figure out where my place is exactly.  My BF says one thing, the specialists another, the kids another, their mom another.  I feel very alone, and very much an outsider, it’s hard to not know where you fit in your own home, your own family.

Who decides my place, her or me? Can she change her mind at any time and redefine my place?

She claims I am trying to take her place, I’m not.  I don’t want her place, I don’t want to be mom.  I just want to be me, wherever that place is.

It was all for this

This weekend was a pretty quiet one, and I must say it’s the first weekend with the kids where everything felt truly normal.  When my boyfriend came home with them and told me that they were not allowed any TV or video games, as per their mom’s punishment, I have to admit, I was worried.

I can deal with them throwing a fit due to us saying no or punishing them, but I hate it when she decrees a weekend long punishment during one of our weekends, and we get to deal with the fits, as well as having our activities restricted.

But it all worked out, there was a big baseball tournament all weekend, so my BF took the boys to that, and us girls stayed at home and watched Tangled for the 50 millionth time.  When they were at home, the kids played outside in the backyard, or semi-quietly in their rooms, and all I could think to myself was, it was all for this.

All the stress, work, and frustration of the first 6 months of the year, finding a new place, planning the move, shopping for their rooms, working an extra job to pay for all of the little extras that I wanted for them, but weren’t exactly necessary, dealing with the ex’s jealousy that we could afford to live in the bigger apartment in the nicer neighbourhood that she can’t because she refuses to work.

All of that was to make this weekend happen.  It was so that we could have the backyard that the kids could run and play in instead of the back alley/street that we had at the other place, so that we could have bedrooms and beds for all the kids, instead of an air mattress in the living room, So that we could eat at a table instead of on the living room floor, so that they could have their space, and we could have ours.

I relished in watching them do simple things, like getting their clothes from their drawers, even watching them leave their shoes lying around.  To me these were all signs that the kids felt at home.  Before, at the other apartment, they would ask for permission for every little thing, not here, here they know where stuff is, and they help themselves whenever they can.

The youngest is at an age where everything is ‘one’ or ‘a lot’, and she happily says she has ‘a lot’ of homes, and my heart grows three sizes every time I hear it.

It was all for this, and it was worth it

In response to bitterness

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2091797/Stepmothers-MORE-loving-real-mum-thats-stepson-chose-live-me.html

All I can say is that this woman definitely makes me feel less alone.  The only thing I don’t agree is the idea of more or less loving.  I see it more as an issue of different styles and compatibility.

A great example is my own relationship with my mother.  We are very far from an ideal, and I had a very rough childhood, but one thing I know for sure, is that my mom loved me in the best way she knew how.  Was it the way I needed to be loved? Not really.

My mom and I are plain and simple not compatible.  To give a quick summary, my mom got pregnant at 19 with a man that didn’t love her because he was still getting over his ex-wife.  They both had drug and alcohol problems, and my mom’s own parents were alcoholics who were either abusive or absent.  Needless to say, she did not have any tools, support or positive parenting examples, what she did have was an intense love for her baby.

My mom did always believe in me, and was always proud of me, told me often that I was beautiful and smart.  Unfortunately, she had her own demons which I will not get into here. 

Take any young single mother with as many challenges and no support, who grew up in a physically abusive home with a kid like I was, and I dare them to do better.  I was (and still am) very headstrong and rebelled at any imposed authority, and I could be very mean and manipulative.  In many ways I understand that my mother lashed out.

Most of my examples of positive parenting came from outside sources, and I, as well as my mom, am forever grateful.  Does this mean that my mother loved me “less” than these other people, or that they loved me “more”?  Absolutely not!  It simply means that these people were more compatible to me and had a different skill set than my mom.  The fact is that everyone has a different way of doing things, especially parenting, and no one method of parenting works for all children.

My step-kids are a great example of this.  The oldest is very much a Mama’s boy.  He needs constant interaction, reassurance, and praise.  The slightest sign of displeasure from an adult will send him to tears.  His mother’s style of parenting is perfect for this; she is a hoverer, a mother hen type.  The second boy, he is quiet and independent, sometimes he wants interaction, others he wants to do his own thing.  His mother’s hovering drives him crazy, and he often lashes out at her.  Me, I have no problem with him, because I understand the need to be alone, and believe in letting kids do their own thing and being there as needed.   The mother sees the silence of the second as an insult, whereas I find the oldest very demanding.  The result is that the oldest often wants to stay with his mom, while the second can’t leave fast enough and gets very upset when it is time for him to go back home.

Neither child is more or less loved by their mom or me, we just have different styles.

Bitterness that I just don't understand

I just read this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2088534/Why-Ill-NEVER-let-exs-new-girlfriend-meet-son.html

I read it this morning and it took most of my strength to resist commenting and harsh words.

She says in the article that “I am adamant that whatever the future holds, my son will not be raised with step-parents, step-siblings and a host of other people who have been brought into his life as the result of a flight of fancy. If my ex chooses to marry or have more children, I will still insist that any time he wants with his first-born is carried out as it is now — on a one-to-one basis.”

She is the exact type of woman that caused me to completely avoid men who had children until this year. 

When I started dating my BF, we took things very slow, we started dating at the beginning of February and his children (and ex) had no idea I existed until Easter.  The reason was that we wanted to make sure it was becoming something real before involving the kids in any way.

When I did start bonding with the kids, it caused a lot of friction with the ex, and my cousin (who is a mother of 3) kept me grounded and patient by constantly reminding me of the mother’s point of view.  She would remind me that it couldn’t be easy for the mother to accept another woman caring for and getting affection from her children.

My BF and I were very very careful about the kids’ feelings.  I did activities and spent time with them when he had them on weekends.  He would take the kids to his mom’s so that they could keep a good level of stability in their lives, I never spent the night.  We made sure to tone down the PDAs, our entire focus when the kids were around was them and their comfort.

A few months ago, we started having the kids over one night at our place, and one at his mom’s, gradually increasing my presence, all the while making sure they have time alone with their dad.  In the past year, we have not advanced a single step unless the kids had either asked (they wanted to stay over at my apartment) or we felt it was necessary (I would spend the night at his mom’s fi they needed reassurance).

It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of patience, but it was worth it.

While we are in no way buddies, after almost a year we are at least solidly on the same team.  I have proven to her that I am not a flight of fancy, that I truly love her children and that in no way do I want to replace her.  The kids tell me they love me, but they never have, and never will, call me mom.  I completely agree that they have one mom and one dad, no matter how many more people get added into the mix.

All of that being said, if the kids’ mom had not stopped being hostile and jealous (much like the woman in the article) my relationship would probably never have worked.  Dealing with a woman like that on a regular basis is very draining.  Having someone constantly trying to cause problems in your relationship that you can in no way EVER get rid of is a future that no woman would agree to, especially when you know that she could at any time make your partner choose between you or his kids, and if he is the right kind of guy, you will lose.

The worst part in all of this, is that she is damaging her own son the most.  He will always be at the outside of his dad’s new life.

One of my step kids mentioned the other day that they are lucky, they have three families, their mom’s, their dad’s and mine.  My entire family has accepted the kids and don’t treat them any different than the kids born to the family.  They get invited to all the parties and get Christmas and Halloween goodies. 

It took a lot of hard work on everyone’s part to get there, but we are at a point where everyone just wants happy kids.  If the mom were still jealous and hostile like the woman in the article, I hate to think of all the love and family and fun that these kids would have missed out on.

So today I am thankful that my BFs ex got past the hostility and even though she still drives us crazy at times, is way better than before.

Dealing with a Babymomma

My boyfriend has 3 young children (2, 4, and 6) and a very difficult relationship with the ex. 

I have a great relationship with the kids, they are always reaching to be picked up or wanting hugs from me, we have fun together.  I try to give them as much alone time with their dad as I can, not spending the night when they are there, etc.  My BF and I also hold back on the PDAs when they are around.  I figure they are still getting used to the idea that mom and dad aren’t getting back together, and the most important thing is building their new relationship with dad.  It’s one thing accepting the breakup of parents, it’s a whole other thing to give up on the hope that they will get back together.

I grew up not seeing my dad often, so I am always telling the BF to do what it takes to see his kids, and that the kids are what is important.  So when it came to the ex, I tried to keep in mind that there are 2 sides to every story, and that I would not form my opinion based on what others involved said, but wait and form my own opinion by her current actions.  I hate it when people try to predict my future actions based on mistakes I made in the past, so I try not to do it to others.

That being said, HOLY CRAP!  She is very manipulative and controlling, and apparently has not understood that she and he are no longer together, so he does not have to bend to her every whim, but every 2 weeks, it’s the same thing.  By Wednesday she wants something, the lawn mowed, for him to buy something, changing the days he has the kids, right down to sometimes she just wants to talk to him, and it has to be right now, or she starts saying he won’t get to see the kids.  They live in different cities, 30 minutes away, and no matter how busy he is, he has to drop everything, or no kids.

And God forbid he is too busy to answer the phone, because she will keep calling, over and over again, and after about 10 times, she’ll call me, day or night, demanding to know where he is.  I try telling her that I am at work, or that I don’t know where he is, but she cannot seem to fathom that I don’t demand to know his whereabouts 24/7.  One time we were in another city (it was her weekend with the kids) and she called and texted 17 times wanting to know where he was and what he was doing.

One time she even called me to tell me about how my BF was horrible to her, all of the things he did (all of which he had already told me himself) and to tell me that he wasn’t with me because he wanted to be with me, that I was just a crutch, right before she asked me to watch the kids.

I’m at the end of my rope, no patience left, and I don’t know what to do.  The BF and I are talking about moving in together, but I don’t know if I can take her being even more involved in my day to day life.  Any advice?