Demands

After almost two years together, I recently made my first demand of my boyfriend.  In general, I don’t really interfere much with what he wants to do with his time, mostly because I am pretty independent myself and I wouldn’t want him demanding to know how I spend every minute or telling me what to do, so I don’t do it to him.  I try my best to be supportive.

A few times a year, his work asks him to go on trips lasting anywhere from one to two weeks, and up until now I have never said much about it.  These trips are important to him because he makes a good amount of money when he goes, and with his child support payments, he is on a pretty tight budget.  These trips generally earn him the money he needs for his activities like hockey etc.

The past three trips however, have impacted me very negatively.  Every single time his ex causes major drama and I end up having to deal with it alone.  Though I suspect that she does this on purpose, knowing that he is far away and kind of helpless in the situation she creates, I can’t prove it.  All I know is the past three trips have ended up with me alone, dealing with some pretty harsh situations, even having to fight for his rights with his kids at times.  It’s not just the drama, but the fact that I have to absorb all of it myself, and I don’t have him to lean on.  I have to deal with the harassing phone calls and texts, the yelling, the threats. 

He says he hates leaving and making me deal with this, but he needs the money.  It has gotten to the point where if he is away and she calls or texts, I have an immediate physical reaction, a nauseous knot in my stomach.  This is in addition to the worrying about what she might do.

All three times he has said it would be his last trip.  The other night, he mentioned that he was thinking about the next one, I put my foot down.  I told him that trips within a day of driving were still fine with me, but anything else I can’t deal with.  If he is within driving distance and there is an emergency or she does something, then he can come back, he is also much more reachable by telephone or text etc.

I told him that I cannot deal with her crap alone anymore, and that I felt it was unfair to ask me to continue.  I said that as long as she is as volatile and unpredictable as she is, I refuse to deal with it alone.  He chose her, he chose to have kids with her, and it is just not fair for him to ask anyone else to deal with her in his place.  I will always stand beside him, and back him up, and help him, but I can’t deal with the stress and worry alone.

As with anyone receiving a demand, he didn’t like it.  I replied that I would rather talk about it now, before there is an actual trip, while there is no urgency, but that I don’t want him to go on another long trip.  I put up my first real boundary in our relationship, made my first non-negotiable demand.  I just hope he understands that I am asking this in order to avoid reaching my breaking point, or slipping into a depression, or resenting him for putting me in these situations.