After
almost a full day of changing judges and postponements, my BF has finally gone
in to the courtroom for his custody hearing.
He was supposed to go in at 9 :15, it is now just past three, and
I, being just the stepmom, am waiting on a hard wooden bench just outside the
courtroom, waiting, not allowed in since they are not my kids.
He is
trying to get shared custody, a process that he started in April, and a process
that has been infuriatingly slow. Not
once since the very beginning of our relationship have I felt so much an
outsider. I have been there every step
of the way, making phone calls for him, seeking out documentation, lawyer visits,
the whole shebang, right up until this moment.
In this moment, I am set aside.
I doesn’t
matter that my future is being decided on the other side of those double doors
as much as everyone else in the room. If
he wins, I will go from being an every other weekend stepmom, to 50% of the
time. I will share in all the details
and responsibilities that it entails, homework, packing lunches, school
pickups, but I can’t share in this. By
supporting his decision, I have effectively committed myself to a relationship
more than any other in my past, the next 15 years at least. If he loses, I will share in his grief for
the home and family that could have been.
No matter
that I am as involved, I don’t get a say, I don’t even get to watch. I get to sit here, alone, for the next few
hours while the lawyers and my BF and his ex fight it out. Waiting.
If I am
honest with myself, I know that whatever happens I will adapt, that is not what
worries me. If we win, her anger at me
will multiply and there will surely be even more attacks on me, and that is a
burden I am willing to take on if it means I can shield the kids 50% of the
time and offer them stability. If we
lose, I worry about how my BF and the kids will take it. We have a couple of friends who lost their
custody battle 5 years ago and now they are picking up the pieces of some very
damaged teenagers.
I think
that is what worries me most. If we
lose, i twill reinforce the idea that she is all powerful and all deciding to
the kids, and I worry they will stop standing up for themselves and give
up. I don’t want them to lose the
confidence and empowerment we have worked so hard to instill in them. I would hate for them to think that it’s not
worth fighting for your family against someone like her. I want them to see that if you fight
together, as a family, you can win.
But it’s
the waiting that is killing me, wondering if it’s going ok, if she’s lying, if
the judge seems to believe her. At this
point I can do no more, it is up to the judge, and I know I should let go, let
the proof speak for us. All I can do is
wait, hope, and who knows, maybe even pray a little.
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