All I can
say is that this woman definitely makes me feel less alone. The only thing I don’t agree is the idea of
more or less loving. I see it more as an
issue of different styles and compatibility.
A great
example is my own relationship with my mother.
We are very far from an ideal, and I had a very rough childhood, but one
thing I know for sure, is that my mom loved me in the best way she knew
how. Was it the way I needed to be
loved? Not really.
My mom and
I are plain and simple not compatible.
To give a quick summary, my mom got pregnant at 19 with a man that
didn’t love her because he was still getting over his ex-wife. They both had drug and alcohol problems, and
my mom’s own parents were alcoholics who were either abusive or absent. Needless to say, she did not have any tools,
support or positive parenting examples, what she did have was an intense love
for her baby.
My mom did
always believe in me, and was always proud of me, told me often that I was
beautiful and smart. Unfortunately, she
had her own demons which I will not get into here.
Take any
young single mother with as many challenges and no support, who grew up in a
physically abusive home with a kid like I was, and I dare them to do better. I was (and still am) very headstrong and
rebelled at any imposed authority, and I could be very mean and
manipulative. In many ways I understand
that my mother lashed out.
Most of my
examples of positive parenting came from outside sources, and I, as well as my
mom, am forever grateful. Does this mean
that my mother loved me “less” than these other people, or that they loved me
“more”? Absolutely not! It simply means that these people were more
compatible to me and had a different skill set than my mom. The fact is that everyone has a different way
of doing things, especially parenting, and no one method of parenting works for
all children.
My
step-kids are a great example of this.
The oldest is very much a Mama’s boy.
He needs constant interaction, reassurance, and praise. The slightest sign of displeasure from an
adult will send him to tears. His
mother’s style of parenting is perfect for this; she is a hoverer, a mother hen
type. The second boy, he is quiet and
independent, sometimes he wants interaction, others he wants to do his own
thing. His mother’s hovering drives him
crazy, and he often lashes out at her.
Me, I have no problem with him, because I understand the need to be
alone, and believe in letting kids do their own thing and being there as needed. The mother sees the silence of the second as
an insult, whereas I find the oldest very demanding. The result is that the oldest often wants to
stay with his mom, while the second can’t leave fast enough and gets very upset
when it is time for him to go back home.
Neither child
is more or less loved by their mom or me, we just have different styles.
