Desperately wanting

Throughout high school, Desperately wanting by Better than Ezra was my favorite song, without a doubt. 

The lyrics:

Past the road to your house
That you never called home
Where they turned out your lights
Though they say you'll never know

I remember running through the wet grass
And falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately wanting

When they pumped out your guts
And filled you full of those pills
You were never quite right
Deserving all the chills
They say the worst is over
Kicked it over and ran
Then they ask what went wrong
When they turn you on again
They turn you on again.

[Chorus:]
Kick them right in the face
Make them wish they weren't born
And if they bring up your name
Well they'll say you won the war.
Baby burst in the world
Never given a chance
Then they ask what went wrong
When you never had it right

Oh the letters have dropped off
Though they say you got them all
I finally figured out some things you'll never know.
Take back your life and let me inside
We'll find the door if you care to anymore.

I remember running through the wet grass
and falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately Wanting.  

As a teen I struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.  I didn’t understand at the time that I have a long line of undiagnosed mental illness in my family, and that even if my home situation had been ideal I would still more than likely had to deal with mental illness.  Add in that my home situation was far from ideal, with my mother having her own undiagnosed mental illness, as well as addiction etc., and we have a perfect storm.

I remember feeling so out of control, as if my own mind were my enemy and not understanding why I reacted this or that way, why I felt this or that way.  Between the teenage hormones, the difficult home situation, and the persistent negative thoughts, it was a daily emotional rollercoaster and I just wanted off.  The most infuriating thing was when I would confide in people about what was going on in my head and they would say « don’t think like that » as if I could just flip a switch, as if I had a choice in the matter.  When your own mind seems to be working against you the only solutions seem to be mind-altering substances, or suicide.

This song spoke to me.  A house I never called home, the people asking what went wrong, as in why I thought the way I did, and the feeling of never being quite right.  When I was 15, a friend of mine committed suicide, and I was so angry at him for leaving me.  This song reminded me that there were people in my life that wanted me to fight, who believed I could win the war, and would feel the way I felt about him if I left.  It became my battle cry, the voice of my support network when they weren’t there.  I still lost a few of the battles, I still tried to leave a few times, but I survived.

I still love this song, and it speaks to me even more now, because I understand now that I didn’t have a chance at being mentally healthy, it was beyond my control then.  Now, the worst is over (I think) and I’ve taken control with the help of medication and therapy.  The battles are few and far between, thought the war isn’t over, it never will be for me, and I accept that.  I took back my life, and this song reminds me now that I did survive, and I can continue to do so.  I just have to keep running through the wet grass, never tiring, and desperately wanting to live.

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts - When you were in high school what was your favorite song? What did it mean to you then and what does it mean to you now?

Cat shenanigans

Last night’s events from my point of view.

9:30 PM – Have a hot bath, give myself a manicure

10:00 PM – Go to bed, fall asleep immediately (which if you know me is pretty rare)

Sometime during the night – Cat2 gets into bed and snuggles and purrs, I half-awake pet her for a while, then fall back to sleep.  I am vaguely aware of her trying to grab my hand with her paw/claws.

Some later time during the night – HOLYCRAPWHATTHEFUCK!!!! Why is there cold water on my head, pillow, bed, everywhere? 

The BF and I jump out of bed, and spot Cat2 sitting on the floor.  She proceeds to roll onto her back and look at us for tummy rubs.  We get up, try to absorb as much water from the bed as possible, and go get pillows from the boys’ room.  As we are mopping up the water we find little beads, I look at my wrist to see my bracelet missing.  We pick up as many beads as we can find, throw a couple more towels on the bed as a barrier to the still wet mattress, and try to go back to sleep.  A Cat2 immediately jump back onto the bed and snuggles and purrs, I half-awake pet her for a while, then fall back to sleep.

How I imagine the events transpired from Cat2’s point of view.

Hmmm, I think I need some attention, I’ll go wake up  mummy.  I love when she pets me like that.  Huh, she seems to have fallen back to sleep, I’ll claw at her hand so she understands that I wasn’t finished.  Oooh, a bracelet, let’s see if we can’t snap that off and play with pretty beads.  Well, done playing with the beads and it didn’t even wake her up.  What’s that? A glass of water on the nightstand, that ought to do the trick, I’ll just knock it over and the refreshing water will wake her up, She will surely thank me with belly rubs.  Oops, she doesn’t seem to happy about the surprise bath, oh well, she’s awake now, Ill offer her my magnificent belly for her to rub.  Why is she getting back into bed, my belly is unrubbed?  I’ll just climb back into bed with her.  There we go, she finally understood, more snuggles.  Well, I’m done, what’s Cat1 up to?

In case you are wondering, yes, this is the same cat from this event.