Saturday, November 23, 2013

Today is the day

There have been so many little moments that I felt like I was really becoming a parent, but I think today it really hit me.  Today I realized that I was a parent, no matter what happens in the future, even if one day I am not with my BF anymore, my life and my perspective is forever changed.

I can say with absolute certainty, that the past two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life.  From someone with a past of abuse and suicide attempts, that is saying a lot.  In the past two weeks, my BF went to court to fight for his kids, then we had the maddening waiting, then I got fired.  I have no job, and I have no idea what my life will look like tomorrow let alone next week.

More than once, I have sat and thought of myself ''why haven't I cracked?''.  Far less pressure has pushed me over the edge in the past. 

Last night, we had a hard decision to make, in a very delicate situation, with a lot on the line.  One false move and the effects on our family could be irreparable.  We have suspected for a while that something was happening to his youngest at their mom's, something that happened before and last night we got to a point where we had to act.  We waited until the boys were asleep and bundled her up to go to the emergency room.  My sister in law came over with her baby and sat with the sleeping boys.

We waited for the social workers, and her mom was called, I went home to wait and see.  That is the most maddening part, the fact that in the most serious situations, I can do nothing, I just have to wait and trust that everything will work out.  When they came back from the hospital, my SD came and snuggle in next to me in our bed and fell immediately asleep.

Later in the wee hours of the morning, their mom finally got her message and came over upset and my BF explained everything, well more like he angrily told her.  I said that everyone should just calm down and that she should come back the next day.  She left, and we attempted to sleep.  I went to bed thinking to myself, ''this is it, I'm gonna wake up and I'm not gonna be able to get out of bed''.  I don't know how I managed to fall asleep.
I woke up, got out of bed, and took care of the kids.  I made lunch and waited with my BF for the kids' mom to come over.  When she got here with her best friend the three of them went to talk to my SD.  When they came out, they were visibly shaken.  My SD told her mom what happened, and she looked terrible.  I told her that we will make it through this, and that we will put aside all of our differences and do what is right for the kids.  She thanked me and the three of them left for the police station to file the report.

After they left, I called a friend, and fellow step mom, to talk.  I told her how I don't know how I am dealing with this, and then it hit me.  I am dealing with this because I no longer have a choice.  I thought about the last time when I stopped myself before an attempt, it was the first time I asked for help, and it was because I had my family here, I thought about them, I had a responsibility to them.

This time I think something inside me realized that I can't even allow myself to get to that point, this time I have a spouse and kids.  I am more scared than ever before, I have more to lose than ever before, and apparently I am stronger than ever before.

Today I understand what it means to truly be a parent and put your family first.

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