Saturday, November 9, 2013

On being Hated

I have been disliked in the past, a lot even.  This time is different, I have never been hated, reviled even, until now.  I have never had anyone look at me with such intensity that I knew if they could make my head explode, they would.

At first I thought I could make her like me, that I would be such a great stepmom to her kids that she would thank my BF for having found such a fine woman.  Oh how deluded I was.

When I finally came to my senses about that one, I thought we could at least settle into some sort of mutual respect.  That she would at least accept the contribution I was making and put down her weapons.

Then I thought that she at the very least wanted the best for her kids and would agree to a ceasefire for their sake.  She didn't have to like me , or even respect me, just pretend politeness in front of the kids.

I was wrong on all accounts.  It has gotten to the point that the kids aren't allowed to sit with their father if I am there, and there is no option of showing me any kind of affection in front of her.  the ironic thing is that the kid who insists on showing me affection in front of his mom, no matter her reaction, is the one who in general is the least affectionate.

I think that for the other kids, they know that I am understanding and that I don't hold it against them and they will get plenty of affection from me when she isn't around.  The middle child, he is very insecure and afraid of losing the people he loves, he did lose 4 stepdads in the past two years.  So I think for him showing me affection in front of his mom is his way of saying that he doesn't care what she says, he is not losing me too.

Me, I can honestly say that it was more surprising than anything.  I didn't expect her to be the type of person to let hate take over.  I refuse to hate her because I don't want to let her take up that much space in my life, and to let that kind of negativity into my heart.

What bothers me is that the kids are so torn.  They love me, but they are made to feel as though by loving me, they are betraying their mother.  She is so focused on hating me that she actually asked for a clause that the kids had to stop calling me mom in the custody agreement.  They have never called me anything but my given name, but in her mind, I am trying to usurp her.

I have taken so many steps back to avoid conflict with her that the only step back I have left is to leave all together, and I will not do that.

The custody hearing is on Monday, we have done all that we can, gotten all of the reports and testimonys we can.  All that is left is for my wonderful BF to tell his side on the witness stand, and their mom to tell hers, and then for a judge to decide.  All the while I'll be sitting in the hall outside the courtroom, waiting and trying not to go crazy.  I'm not allowed in the room you see, I'm just the stepmom.

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