Trust

Trust for me represents a side road along the journey in the search of the real me.  It has lead me on many detours and scenic routes, some good, some bad, all important.

As a child I learned the opposite of trust.  I learned that you can’t trust adults to be there when you need them, or do what you need them to do.  My mom never trusted men, I never trusted anyone except my cat.  I could always count on her to be there. 

I couldn’t trust that the following year would be spent in the same place, or city, or that my mom would be with the same guy. I couldn’t trust that I would go to the same school the following year.  At the end of a school year everyone would say see you after summer, and I would reply “I hope so”.

As a teen I had certain adults in my life that I could trust, but due to lack of experience, I never trusted them completely.  If I hadn’t been so scared and I had taken full advantage of these situations, it probably would have made quite a difference in my early 20s.  At this point I started therapy to try and deal with my trust issues.

In my early 20s, I went a little too far in the opposite direction.  I trusted too blindly, and ended up hurt many times having trusted people I shouldn’t have.  The one type of trust I was still unable to have, was the trust that someone could love me, really love me.  I had never really believed that someone would want to be with me, and I just assumed that they would leave at the earliest opportunity.  This lead to more therapy.

My mid to late 20s, after therapy, I started to really look at the people in my life, and myself.  I have some fantastic people who have been there through good and bad, even across long distances.   I had always thought I trusted these people, but it came to take on a new meaning for me.  I realized that trust wasn’t just about someone not telling your secrets, or that person not hurting you.  True trust, in my opinion, is knowing with all of your being that that person wants what is best for you, whether they/you like it or not.  Trust is knowing that if you are being a jackass, that person will tell you.  Trust is knowing, not thinking, or hoping, knowing with all of your being that you can be vulnerable with that person.  That person is human, and may not always know what to do, but their intentions are positive.

I also learned to trust myself.  I am capable of knowing what is best for me, and I can get through anything.  I am a survivor.  I can trust that I have broken the cycles of the past (as much as is possible) and that I am worthy of being loved.  Today I am able to honestly say that I trust in my relationship 100%.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being romantic and all “forever and ever”.  I just mean that I trust that we love each other, and that we both intend to be happy together and make this the healthiest and happiest relationship possible.  I trust that as long as we are working together, we can get through anything.

Trust has been my friend, my enemy; I have chased it and run from it.  It is something I’ve had too much of, not enough of, and the wrong kind of.  Funny how such a small word, just one syllable, can have so much impact.

Inspired by Mama Kat’s pretty much world famous writing prompts 01.04 - Trust

***Just a little geek side note, the fact that one of the other writing prompts this week was inspired by one of my past posts is sooo freaking awesome to me :)