My place

For the past couple of months, my BFs ex has been telling me (in rather rude ways and in public) to stay in my place of a stepmom.  She has gone so far as to tell me that if I wanted to have an influence in a child’s life, I should have given birth to one.

My first instance was to reply that anyone can give birth to a child and that in my opinion giving birth is not an indicator of parenting ability, but I held back.  In fact, I have avoided replying and interacting as much as possible.  The main reason being that this was totally unexpected and out of the blue.

For the past year, she has been the one asking for my help and support, even encouraging me to get more involved.  Until a couple of months ago, she had never put up any sort of barrier between me and the kids.  Then in July it all changed.

In July we moved into the new apartment, where the kids have rooms and a yard.  We had the kids for a week in the summer, and I took them to their appointments, except for the ones that she had indicated that their father had to take them.  After that week the first shot was fired.

She called my BF furious that I had taken one of the kids to a psychology appointment, an appointment that she had not indicated that I couldn’t.  I hadn’t even participated in the appointment, I dropped him off, and picked him up, that’s it.  She said that I had no business bring the kids to anything official.  We chalked it up to her usual controlling ways.

Fast forward to September.  She tells us that she may be going away for a few weeks in January, and asks us to take the kids.  We agree.  She calls a week later to ask my BF to go to a parent night at the boys’ school, he replies that we’ll go.  She forbids me from going.  We are confused, she had asked me to be there with social workers in the past, why not this?  We reply that it would be good for the teachers to meet me in case I had to go get the kids while she was away, she says no, it’s not my place.  She says that she doesn’t need to have « his girlfriend shoved in her face during the week ».  Again I am confused, we had been shopping for the kids together a mere month earlier.  She goes on a tirade on my Facebook wall, again saying it’s not my place. 

My BF had been asking her for months to go with her for the reports and information, but she never called him, just went herself and then gave him a summary.  My BF decided that enough was enough and that he would go himself to see the psychologist and get the information about his son himself.  He and the psychologist ask me to join them, they say it’s my place.  What we learn is stunning to say the least, but I won’t go into that here.

Then this week, she finds out that my BFand I have been to see the psychologist.  She is furious, and attacks and threatens.

So here I am, trying to figure out where my place is exactly.  My BF says one thing, the specialists another, the kids another, their mom another.  I feel very alone, and very much an outsider, it’s hard to not know where you fit in your own home, your own family.

Who decides my place, her or me? Can she change her mind at any time and redefine my place?

She claims I am trying to take her place, I’m not.  I don’t want her place, I don’t want to be mom.  I just want to be me, wherever that place is.