Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Before I grew up

When I was little, I wanted to be a nun.  Go ahead, laugh, take your time.

I had some very catholic grandmothers, and I went to catholic school, mostly because it was the only way to go to French school.  Though my mom was not religious at all, she fully supported that I loved going to church.  I loved learning about the saints and reading the bible stories.  I used to beg to go to Sunday school, and my mom would always find someone to take me.

I also had a lot of faith in God, though I do suppose that since I really only had one notion of God, it was by default a catholic one.  I remember how peaceful it was to sit in mass, how much the repetition and ritual of it all was soothing compared to the chaos at home.  I said my prayers every night like a good little girl, and when I learned that in addition to the peacefulness of it all I would probably get to spend my life learning, well then it was settled.

Then when I was 12, that all changed.  When I was in 7th grade, we did our confirmation at school.  I started my first real crisis of faith.  If God loved me so much, why didn’t he help me with all that was going on at home?   I said my prayers, ad did my charity, helped others, and yet my suffering worsened.  About a week before my confirmation I told the priest that I didn’t feel comfortable going up in front of everyone and making a promise that I didn’t feel in my heart.  I loved God and believed in him, but I just wasn’t ready. His reply was that since it was a part of the school curriculum, I would receive a fail grade if I didn’t do it.

I couldn’t believe my ears.  He was telling me that it was preferable that I lie, that I just go through the motions, than wait a year or so and really mean it.  I was devastated.  My faith was shattered.  I stopped going to church except when it was mandatory.  My mom was supportive, she told me I would either find my way back to the church, or I would find God somewhere else.

That year I changed schools, and the new school did their confirmation in 8th grade.  I told my teacher that I had already done all of this, and asked if I could have extra work in English since it was the subject I needed improvement in.  I got the same reply as the priest the year before.  I would not have to perform the actual ceremony, but I still had to do the rest or else my grades would suffer.

That was the last nail in the coffin; I lost faith in the church.  I still believed in a higher power, but not a church that placed more importance on appearance than belief.  People who know me find the idea that I wanted to be a nun quite hilarious, especially seeing the person I’ve become.  I am far from the traditional idea of a nun, I’m known for being a rebel and non-conformist who questions authority.


And when I look at the church now, and what it’s become, I kinda feel sorry for them, they could have used some nuns like me, nuns who would modernise.  I look at the group of nuns in the US who protest for readily available contraception and I can’t help smiling to myself, that was probably the kind of nun I would have turned out to be.

Inspired by Mama Kat's writer's workshopSomething you wanted to be when you grew up


Mama’s Losin’ It

4 comments:

  1. Organized religion has been the problem with me for years. It's never been a question of my Faith, but of the business of religion. Faith and Religion are two different things to me. One has always let me down, the other has not. I enjoyed your post and it hit home with me. Stopping over from the Writer's Workshop. Tinalicious.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. You and I experienced similar tests of faith, also Catholic. Sometimes I miss that trusting little girl.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I totally agree with ArtChick - I grew up a Mormon and while I consider myself a spiritual person, I will never be a religious person, mostly due to the bullshit I was subjected to in my younger years by "men of God". I wrote a post on my blog basically about this same subject ("No thank you, Jesus") -- so your post resonated with me. My parents, who are still devout Mormons are not so excited with my views on religion, mostly because they fear for my eternal salvation -- but I just don't believe that God is a vindictive asshole like that.

    ReplyDelete